balls to the wall, y'all

let's kick it

2011-11-07T16:37:00.000-05:00

Hi you! It's me!

To ease my way back into blogging, I'm just going to post something stupid.

That's what I usually do in awkward situations. I lighten the mood & change the subject by making fart noises or by humping someone's leg.

So, in hopes to kick shit back into gear, here's a photo of my face in a drunk squirrel's hole.

You like that? ME TOO. Here are other face in holes that I've made to amuse myself.

2011-09-09T14:28:00.000-04:00

i love you more than the internet

2011-06-21T20:11:00.003-04:00

Hold onto your panties & junk, Asheville! Here come the bloggers! And the tweeters! And the candlestick makers! Ok, not real sure about that last one. But it's probably true.

I'm very much looking forward to this year's TypeAParent Conference which starts this week. Mostly because I saw that there is a stress ball, shaped like a lemon, in the swag bags. I cannot WAIT to squeeze the shit out of that thing.

Speaking of swag, here's my contribution to the pile o' loot that all the attendeez will be receiving.

I thought it was super appropriate considering the wireless, web loving posse that will be there even though it's a postcard that one has to actually address, buy a stamp, use the stamp & walk outside to put in their mailbox. I know it's hard but you can show people you really care by sending them some hand written snail mail, y'all.

I also made personalized notecards for all the speakers & mentors but I didn't stop to take a picture of those because I was too busy making them & packaging them & shielding them from Ruby & her gross little peanut buttery fingers. That's usually how I work... guarding my paint & protecting my clean paper from stray boogers. I'm always on the defense. That kid can eff some serious shit UP if you're not careful.

I did manage to snap a crappy photo of the business cards I whipped up last night.

I needed new ones since I ran out of my Tiny Prints cards. I also wanted a good, solid logo. I think I really like the looks of these. Or some form of this.

You may be wondering why the little pink heart is upside down. That's because I wanted it to resemble a pair of balls. It just feels right. All heart & balls.

I hope I see you there! And I hope we get a chance to meet or talk or exchange cards or french or drunk dial each other. Make sure you get your butt down to the Mom Market on Saturday morning. I'll be there with mind blowing stuff for you to take home. I accept PayPal!

Oh! If you haven't read Aiming Low recently, here is a link to my most recent posts.

There is an ode to Asheville where I talk about going to my first blogging conference ever. There's a post that includes long mermaid nipples & another one with angel balls as well as an enthusiastic review of the shart-inducing movie "Bridesmaids."

These are literary "masterpieces," you guys. I'm pretty sure I'm going to win one of those Nobel peace thingys soon.

Well, either that or a Grammy. Anyone can score one of those these days, right? Two words: Rascal Flatts.

Beautiful. Like Bruce.

2011-06-15T22:23:00.002-04:00

No one has ever said to me, "Oh Robin, you look like (insert fantastic celebrity face here)!"

Well, Ursula said that I looked like Stephanie Tanner?

And then Jennifer informed me that I look like Vicki's daughter on the Real Housewives of Orange County?

But neither of those struck a chord in my soul.

It has been revealed to me (through the mirror & this awkward iPhone photo & probably Jesus) that Bruce Vilanch & I were separated at birth.

There's no denying it. The resemblance is staggering.

Now I just need to work on my sheer awesomeness & my eyeglass collection & my moobs & we'll be full on twinsies.

I couldn't be more proud of my British/German genes.

2011-06-14T15:45:00.001-04:00

Hi!

Dudes, how are ya?

I know, I kinda disappeared.

Sometimes you gotta do that.

I don't have a lot to say. Well, scratch that. I have A LOT to say.

I'm just keeping it to myself right now instead of displaying it.

Sometimes your heart needs that.

This morning I sat down to paint without an agenda & this is what came out.

And then I listened to this.

And then I simplified my blog while my child napped.

And then I showed you.

And then I felt better.

big love & big hugs

2011-04-28T12:11:00.002-04:00

Is there anything more precious than watching your 2 year old run around in the sunshine?

I love her narrative as she discovers the life around her.

"Wook, Mommy! A Bird! Wook, Mommy! A Twee!"

Then she'll spin around & around & say, "I'm cwazy! I'm cwazy!"

All of a sudden, she has sprouted long arms & long legs. She got those from her father.

I don't get the cuddly, snuggly baby hugs anymore.

I get long limbed monkey hugs.

I'll take em in any form.

Especially in the morning when I fetch her from her crib & she lays her head on my shoulder & says, "Oh, so nice... so cute."

It makes the 48+ hours of labor all worth it.

I think I'll keep her. Strawberry stains & all.

....................

You know the Big Love Fest is this weekend, right?!!

One would think it was a crazy, hippie orgy in Asheville but it ain't. (Maybe later?)

It's a compilation of local artists & crafters & beer & food located in the heart of downtown.

I'll be there in a booth with some brand new original posters & Mother's Day cards & all sorts of ridiculous shit that I come up with.

I also wanted to do something different & fun & interactive so I am going to set up an easel for large, intuitive, colorful, sketchy caricatures of you. I will be paying attention to your mannerisms & your clothing & what comes out of your mouth. I'm really excited about it. So, come on by so I can paint you! (a 14"x17" original is only twenty bucks! Nudes will be five bucks because I figure you should be paying me to see your exquisite body. Spots will be limited).

Big love & thanks go out to Franzi, Kip, Justin & Brandy & everyone else who have a hand in making this happen!

If you live in Asheville & you don't come, we can't be friends anymore. Just kidding! (Sort of).

I have taken another lover. I call her New Orleans. She likes it when you talk dirty.

2011-04-26T15:46:00.001-04:00

Y'all. I fell in love. I fell in love so hard.

New Orleans wooed me & wowed me & left me begging for more.

Every flower box on every wrought iron balcony, every whiff of shrimp & desperation, every puddle of questionable liquid, every broken & beautiful face I saw... made me feel like a kid at a candy store. Wide eyed & wanting to devour it all. (Not literally. That would be unsanitary & require a lot of intense detox).

I could get lost in that city. In the stories, the history, the character & unabashed liveliness.

It reminded me of all the good things about Asheville. (Hugs to you Asheville people out there).

I feel super fortunate to have had the opportunity to go to Mom 2.0 Summit. And extra specially fortunate to have gone with Anissa. You know, my boss who has graciously gone through a bunch of shitty stuff & has literally lived to tell her story with candor, humor & one working hand? I'm more than thankful that I got to be her "pusher." Lord knows she pushes me right back in a different but equally helpful way.

Here is just some of the awesome shit that happened:

The conference was at the Ritz Carlton. It was a rare, luxurious treat for me. The beds were plush. The flowers were fresh. The round-the-clock cookie bar was a dream. The champagne was free flowing. And the staff was beyond wonderful (especially Johnnie, Quentin, Heidi, Anne, Janis, Russell, Gary, Cody & Lehi). The building itself though is rather ill-equipped for the disabled. It was truly sucky. It was like one frustrating obstacle course after another for Anissa's wheelchair. Even on the illustrious Club Level, the portable shower stool that was provided managed to collapse underneath her. Fortunately, she wasn't alone & she didn't break her ass. I have a lot to say about that which is why I'll save it for another time.
I got to hang out with & get to know more of my fellow Aiming Low homeys. Just as I imagined, they are as big hearted & hilarious & good looking in real life as they are behind the glowing screen. I've got mad love for this motley crew. We've got a good thing going. It's fun as hell to be a part of.
I also met a handful of women that I have been admiring on the internets. You know, the women whose blogs I actually avoid reading altogether because one click & I am virtually sucked into their colossal magnetism. They receive a lot of attention & in my opinion, are well deserving of it. I had the pleasure of talking about naked butts & how the city was haunted & turning down offers from big wigs at major TV networks & how being a mom is hard as shit. I even had an embarrassingly teary moment with one after looking her in the eyes & genuinely thanking her for hanging her balls out there. These women pour their hearts into their work. These women aren't afraid to be themselves. These women make my gutter brain seem normal. These women give me hope.
Thanks to Sandi, I had a hurricane at Pat O'Brien's. Did you know one of those things has 4 shots of rum in it? I sucked half of it down & quickly found myself texting people incoherently in the bathroom. I also had the quintessential Bourbon Street experience. I can see the huge draw it has. Booze & boobies are attractive to lots of people. Especially those who want to fully escape from the drain of their everyday lives. Part of me wanted to jump in & join em. And the other, more sober part of me wanted to go around & hug people. It was overstimulating & eye opening & fucking depressing.
While I was still a little shell shocked & walking down the street, I told a stripper standing in a doorway that I liked her butt.
I got a massage at the Ritz Spa. It was heavenly, of course. It probably would've been even more relaxing if I had shut my mouth. But my masseuse was fascinating & after I asked, told me stories of all the celebrities he's rubbed on. He told me the story of how a particular star awkwardly stared at him the entire time. It was either John Travolta, Robin Williams, Tina Fey or Suge Knight. I can't tell you which one. My body & I need to send a big, HUGE thanks to Body Logic MD for the gift card.
I learned shit! My favorite session was the one led by Alice Bradley & Eden Kennedy. They made writing for a living seem attainable & not so g-dang scary. They said the kind of things that switched light bulbs on for me. Their words need to be painted & framed & hung over my desk so I'm reminded everyday to keep going & keep practicing & keep creating. Right next to: remember that not everybody is going to like you & that's okay! That one in particular was screaming at me.
But my favorite moment had to be when I ran off to see another side of the city. I jumped in a cab to surprise an old friend who was playing her guitar & singing her sweet songs at the Three Muses down on Frenchmen Street. It was the kind of encounter that felt like a movie complete with a night time, impromptu stroll & a sprig of Nawlins' night blooming jasmine tucked behind my ear. Sarah Quintana is the perfect mixture of laissez faire & bon temps.

photo courtesy of Norbert Sushemil the trumpet player

This woman, who was a girl when we first met, is pure talent, soul & heart. I look at her & recognize how lucky I am to even know her. There is so much to say about Sarah & that whole night. Instead, I will pause & give you this:

And these: (I recommend playing them simultaneously. Listen above & watch below).

"Nawlins"

Create a free slideshow with Picnik!

All of these seemingly serendipitous experiences & intertwining relationships & shared words & budding ideas & profound fortunate moments & profound unfortunate moments (not a good time for an inaugural hemorrhoid flare up) have all taught me some invaluable shit, y'all. It is molding me further & helping me solidify the things I know to be true. My intentions, the things that motivate me to my core are rooted in who I want to be & who I am becoming... someone who remains honest & brave & ridiculous & free & selfless & stupidly thankful. Someone who is aware of the presence of a loving God.

Another cool thing? While I was away, Zack taught Ruby how to say "WOOOHA" like Busta Rhymes. And he also made nunchucks out of a broken lamp.

We put the easy in The Big Easy

2011-04-13T11:10:00.001-04:00

I drove to Atlanta last night for the first leg of our jaunt to New Orleans.

This small-ish town girl is not used to super speedy Atlanta traffic. There was a line of 18 wheelers blocking the signs & people zipping past me. And I was doing 70, mind you.

I just kept telling myself, "THIS IS AN ADVENTURE! I AM HAVING FUN! I AM LEARNING!"

And then I was all like, "WTF IS A HOV LANE?!"

And "Dammit, that gigantic Coca Cola sign is burning my eyeballs out of my face!"

And "Oooo. There's a fancy Range Rover with all black everythang! I wonder if that's Jay-Z!"

And "I need a cigarette to stay awake & alert so I don't accidentally crash into Ikea!"

And then "SHIT! If I throw the butt out the window, that's considered littering & those signs say it's a $1200 fine!"

Which lead to extinguishing the butt in the surplus of mayo from the McChicken I didn't finish earlier.

I arrived at Anissa's & discovered she had turned into a glo worm. A very sunburnt, pink glo worm. She threatened to punch me in the vadge if I hugged her so I just honked her nipple.

I woke up this morning around 7 am to her daughter, Rachael's smiling face. Which quickly turned into her poking me in the tummy & telling me that I had a squishy body.

And then Peyton came in the room, jumped on me, snuggled for awhile & started with the whole, "Stop hitting yourself" gig. Which naturally lead to her asking me "When does the world end?"

Nathaniel just walked in the room & all he said was "I blame you."

Oh, the joys of the Mayhew household.

So, we're off! I'll be live tweeting Mom 2.0 & all of Anissa's bowel movements.

This is quality internet, y'all.

XOXO

I want to be friends with Harry Dingleberry & go to a Urethra show.

2011-04-02T18:13:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, just for funsies, I like to search for what people are saying on twitter.

Last week I wanted to see if anyone was talking about dingleberries.

Of course, they totally are. In between all the inquiries & explanations about what a dingleberry is, I found this gem:

There were also people tweeting about how embarrassing it would be to have the last name Dingleberry.

Which lead me to see if there were many people on facebook with the last name Dingleberry. There are quite a few, actually.

I sent Harry Dingleberry a friend request.

Then I was curious to see if there were many girls named Urethra. Surprise! There are!

There's even a punk/pop Indonesian band named Urethra.

Do they know their name means pee hole? Are they aware that the fancy paint splatter on their flyer looks like pee droplets? Do they find love, hope, pain & friendship in their pee holes? Was this all brilliantly intentional? Or did they think that the name Urethra just sounded SUPER COOL?

I have got to find some answers. It seems like they know a little English, so I'm going to post on their facebook fan page wall & ask them.

I'll update if I get a response.

Related: I LOVE THE INTERNET.

!!!!!!!!!!!URETHRA UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY TOTALLY KNOW.

Also, I wanted to point out that the Urethra dude in the middle with the alligator shirt reminds me of Sid the Science Kid's Grandma.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!URETHRA UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm SO entertained by all of this.

Business cards that won't make you yawn or puke!

2011-03-28T19:01:00.000-04:00

You know what's important? Making a good first impression. (Having cheese in the house is important too but that's another post for another time).

It's particularly important to make a good first impression when you come in contact with people who you'd like to work with or be best friends with or make out heavily with or maybe even potentially make babies with.

That's why your business cards shouldn't suck.

Sucky, boring business cards make you look like YOU'RE sucky & boring. And chances are, you're not sucky or boring at all. I'm betting you're awesome & invigorating.

So, when I got the opportunity to review some Tiny Prints business cards, I was sure as hell going to find some that portrayed just how non-sucky & un-boring I aim to be.

I'm a big fan of their adorable yet modern invitations & announcements already so I wasn't surprised to find that they have lots of fantastic business card designs to choose from.

Some of the contenders:

I love a good, solid chevron print in bold, contrasting colors. I'm guessing Janice Sorensen in Naperville does too.

You won't soon forget a card with a big ass tooth on it, will you?
I was tempted to choose this one & have it say, "I'm not a dentist. I just really liked this big ass tooth design."

If you're the type of person who really enjoys popping the lens out of your 3D glasses & wearing them around like they're real glasses, this cool, eye-catching design is for you.

It was hard narrowing it down because there are several that I really liked but in the end I wanted something a little more personal & customizable so I went with the one called "Upper Management." It allowed me to upload pictures on the front AND the back. I also liked that they had a lot of cute fonts & several different colors to choose from. It was all fairly simple & really easy to do. This is good for those of you who may be a little technologically challenged.

This is what I ended up with!

The front. It's very exciting & unforgettable, isn't it?

The back. It's one of my card designs!

Using a photo of your good looking face ups the chances that your recipient will remember you the next time you run into each other in real life & online. Even better if you use the same picture for all your avatars. The picture of my greeting card on the back allows me to show people what my cards look like instead of trying to describe what they look like. Incorporating your unique personality into your cards is always a good move.

After I approved the proof, they had it printed & in my mailbox within a week & a half! That's fast, especially for customized cards.

Here they are on top of the box it came in. They turned out really great. I LOVE them. The paper is thick enough that it doesn't feel cheap. The quality is exactly what I'd hoped for.

Do yourself a favor & get some business cards that you absolutely love. You'll be more prone to actually give them out because you'll be proud of how they look! You just never know who you'll meet next. Make that first impression a good one. It might result in making a baby. I highly recommend doing that.

If you are considering ordering from Tiny Prints, make sure you go to their facebook page & check to see if they have any discount codes you can use. They usually have special offers.

Disclaimer: Tiny Prints gave me free business cards in exchange for a blog post. I was not paid for my review nor was I paid to tell you that they don't suck. This is all my opinion.

WTF Wordless Wednesday.

2011-03-23T17:11:00.000-04:00

From Shitty to Chic. (behind the scenes of my makeover).

2011-03-22T15:39:00.000-04:00

Sometimes if you're lucky & if you look shitty enough, people will make you over. I highly recommend it. Makeovers are fun. I've never had one before. Unless you count the Glamour Shots session I had when I was 14. And that wasn't an improvement. They just made me look like a tweeny hooker in leather & braces.

The editor of Verve magazine, Jess McCuan shot me an email one day asking if she could spice me up & I was all like, "Oh, hell yes. Bring it on. Spice me, baby."

This is me looking unspiced, pale & greasy as hell in XL format so you can see that I don't pluck my eyebrows.

My dear friend Sarah Becker normally cuts my hair (it's not usually this stupid looking) so we went to Studio Chavvarria so she could make me look fancier & awesomer than normal. She's a an expert on fancy & awesome hair.

Up until this day, I was a hair dye virgin. Don't worry, she was gentle & I'm not scarred for life.

That's editor extraordinaire Jess on the left & Moriah Luzius on the right. Instead of asking them to say "cheese!" I told them to say "I love my vagina!" That's why they look so excited.

Sarah & Moriah are opening up their own salon in West Asheville called Bari Salon. It's gonna be supah dupah fly. Get excited, Asheville people!

Here they are looking gorgeous, sweet & ~~whorish~~ fun.

Amber Hatchett stopped by to drop off some beautiful, custom gold earrings for the shoot! Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture of them on me but you should know that she just uploaded new designs of her upcycled, vintage jewelry to her Etsy shop! Go look before they're gone! You can't get originality & that kind of craftsmanship at Target. Just sayin'.

After my hair got all fancy & shit, we hopped on over to Makeup at the Grove Arcade where the gorgeous Mendy Hoffman & I hit it off so well that we went out back to make out.

Just kidding! That didn't happen. But we did laugh at lots of inappropriate things. I think it helped break the ice when I handed out complimentary "Shit, bitch. You is fine" cards. This girl is a badass with mascara & lipstick. She made me look refreshed & glittery instead of homely & boring. Go let her touch your face if you want to enhance your sensuality by a shit ton. That dashing gentleman in the background is Zack Russell. He's also a fantastic makeup artist & can transform your face with just a simple flick of his blush brush. True story.

This is Asheville's beloved Franzi & Kip. Franzi was talking to a customer & not looking at the rude photographer (me). They own Hip Replacements (where we scored that amazing outfit) & they also run the Asheville Grown Business Alliance. They are delightful, energetic, sexy, compassionate people with a penchant for eclectic & vintage threads. This was the only place where Jess & I shopped.

We found just the thing amongst hipster Jesus & his llama.

These are the shoes from Hip Replacements that I wore. Aren't they freaking killer?

With a 1 inch platform & 5 & a half inch heel, they literally almost killed me. During the shoot, I stood on a concrete pedestal outside the Grove Arcade. It was so hard to keep my balance, mainly because it was windy AND I'm top heavy. I had to do that thing where you wave your arms around really fast to stabilize my body & keep from plummeting face first onto the unforgiving concrete down below. I almost pooped and peed myself right then & there. I'm not even exaggerating. I bet I would've made the g-dang cover if that had happened. It's such a compelling story.

Ready for my close up.

Ta da! See the feather extension in my hair? At first I thought it was too Bratz doll-ish but now I'm rocking that sucker all over town. I love it.

Photo shoots are awkward, man. Modeling was all new territory for me. Luckily, Jess & Matt Rose were great & made it easy to act like a fool. I'm scared to see the out takes.

BIG, HUGE thanks goes to Verve, Jess McCuan, Matt Rose, Sarah Becker, Moriah Luzius, Amber Hatchett, Franzi Charen, Kip Veno & Mendy Hoffman. Proof that it takes a village to get good lookin'.

(click here to see the full article online!)

*please forgive the inconsistent format & font size. Blogger was being a beeyatch.

big picture

2011-03-11T00:32:00.003-05:00

Excuse me for a second while my tender heart melts into a giant puddle.

----addendum----

Like most of you, I woke up & saw the internet flashing the horrific news coming from Japan.

Pictures & videos & broadcasts of complete devastation sweeping cars & buildings & PEOPLE away.

Friends on facebook & twitter worrying & praying for their loved ones who are missing or potentially in the path of destruction.

And here I am arguing with my husband for stupid, petty shit that doesn't even freaking MATTER.

It's sobering & humbling.

Having never been the victim of a natural disaster, I cannot imagine what it does to your life, to your family, to your soul, to your everything.

I'm going to step back & look at the big picture.

Thankful for all the love in my life.

Wishing you the same.

take a step

2011-03-08T17:20:00.000-05:00

I made this the other day on an old canvas so I could look at it everyday.

A perfect reminder for when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

It's Zack's birthday & so far the day is turning out better than the year we had a flat tire & had to pull into a porn store parking lot to change it IN THE SNOW.

Off to celebrate with beer, chicken wangs & shitty karaoke!

her name is Poopie

2011-03-05T21:49:00.002-05:00

You guys, my sister had a baby come out of her body!

She had another beautiful little girl & they named her Elizabeth Rose.

All during her pregnancy I joked with my niece, Kate about what we were going to name the baby. We would take turns making up silly suggestions & we would laugh & laugh.

Some of the contenders: bathtub, booty head, puppy, juice face, pillow hair, princess castle, & crazy pooter. To name a few.

I caught this precious moment on video the day Rose came home from the hospital.

Pay attention to the background voice. The person saying "no" over & over is my disapproving mother. I mean, Kate's antics are super cute & funny but my mother is cracking me UP.

I freaking love 3 year olds.

Please notice her special outfit. A collared shirt, collared dress AND Belle costume.

Newest news! Change-y changes! Ballsy blogging!

2011-03-04T15:09:00.001-05:00

Hiiiii!!! There you are!

If we were in the same room together, I would run towards you like a fool & give you a big phatty hug like I hadn't seen you in 17 years. Unless you hate hugs, then pretend we just hi-five & smile.

If this was a face to face encounter, we would look each other in the eye & I would try not to break out into a full-fledged ugly cry.

I'm in that place. You know the one. The place where you are overwhelmed & just can't NOT be transparent.

(enter big sigh right here).

I haven't posted in awhile. I don't know if you've noticed or not. I missed it.

I have been really busy dealing with everyday life. (I bet you expected me to say that). I wake up in the morning & take care of whatever is staring me in the face the hardest. Working from home is a blessing & a curse. On one hand, I get to kiss Ruby all day & not wear a bra. On the other, I'm constantly struggling to juggle all my roles with a child pointing to my shirt yelling, "boobie!" Then my ADD comes into play & I find myself fighting to focus. And then I just get frustrated & give up.

But mostly, my mind has been swimming. It was hard to sit down & make myself trudge through this post.

I haven't wanted to just throw something up in this space just because. I feel like I have to get this out before I can move on. (See? Blogging is therapeutic. You should try it).
.
I'm excited as hell, actually. And I'm also scared as shit. Which usually means something good is brewing.

I felt that way when I met Zack- elated that I was falling in love & fearful that I was going to fail at it. But I kept going & exploring & trusting my gut & of course, it has all been worth it. Even through all the tough parts.

I also feel that way about a good poop.

It's time to identify my vision & my mission. Which is to create & inspire. That's what really melts my butter.

When I allow myself to just BE myself, the happier I am with what I make.

And yes, it is hilarious to me that what I make involves cards that include the words dry humping & diarrhea. It's also no surprise to my friends & family that I'm talking about nipple hair on the internet.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my direction & I've found out what fuels me: brazen humor, bold color, handwriting, love & courage.

That looks so elementary & simple to type out but it's not intended to be complicated or entirely thought provoking.

When I stare at a blank card or canvas or computer screen, I imagine how it will make you feel when you see it. It's feel good art in different forms. The meaning is not hidden.

It's art that's meant to feel like sunshine for your soul.

Good LORD, I'm so deep right now. I'm like Gandhi or some other person who thinks about deep shit.

It's exhausting having to be SO think-y.

I digress.

I have a difficult time following through with ideas. So when I declared that I was going balls to the wall last year, I meant it. I have really been trying to figure out my place. I'm happy to say that it's freaking working, y'all. Really super happy about it. It helps to establish a purpose when you need clarity.

I continue to be motivated by my desire to bring a little bit of happiness & love & laughter & warm fuzzy shit like that into your life. Also because it would be SO FANTASTIC if I could actually support my family by doing that. And to be able to have a car that started every time. And I would absolutely love it if my husband didn't have to work so hard. 60 hours a week is tough on everybody. I'm so thankful for his work ethic & his support (& his cuteness). That Zack Plemmons is a good dude. He's a handful (to say the least) but I adore the crap out of him.

So, what's next? Change. Lots of it.

Rebranding. I'm nixing the name lemons with a pea. I need to simplify.
More cards! Only I'm going to stop making each one by hand. Yes, I know. It is a lot of work. It's been the most cost-efficient way so far but it got crazy there around Valentine's Day. (Did you see that Etsy featured my panty card on their facebook page & I got a butt load of traffic? I found out right before I boarded a plane to Blissdom. I may or may not have giggled & squeed like an idiot in the Asheville airport. I even got a couple hater comments! How awesome is that?) Getting that many designs printed in bulk is not in our budget so I'm figuring out the most efficient way to print them myself. It helps to have a brand new HP printer (much thanks to Aiming Low).
I'm also going to raise my prices on my original paintings & start making prints of them. I need to spend more time creating new pieces & not reproducing the same ones over & over. Although I like it, it's not helping me be productive with new work.
I'm going bigger. I want to start a series of Big Ass Art. Which would consist of big wording & objects on large pieces of salvaged wood. They'll be in your face & making a statement everyday. I can't wait to start. I want to scrap it all & go sling paint right now.
Graphic design. I need to learn it like, yesterday. I'd love to be able to upload my designs & tweak them digitally. Do you remember when I was being all vague about "exciting stuff happening?" Well, I hadn't said anything online but thanks to meeting sweet Jessica at TypeAMom, I was contacted by Tiny Prints (!!!) last December. They wanted to work with me on some Valentine's Day cards for them. I was way psyched. Long story short, they thought I was schooled in graphic design. And I'm not. The design team I talked to in depth said they would keep me in mind for future projects. I hope they do. At least I'm not scared of talking to big companies now.
I got promoted at Aiming Low! I'm now an editor. Don't worry, it doesn't involve grammar. Basically, I help come up with ideas & handle more social media. I feel super lucky to be a part of this group. LOVE IT.
A brand spankin' new website! It's SO time for an upgrade. Luckily, I have someone awesome & generous who sees my vision & wants to help me do just that. It's gonna be so fresh & so fly. It will also include a whole new section featuring people who are going balls to the wall with their lives AND one for those who have an idea but need encouragement and advice. That's where YOU come in. Do you fit into one of those categories? Start thinking if that's something you'd like to take part in. I want to be using social media for social good. I think it has the potential to blow our panties off.
I'm no longer a hair dye virgin! Verve magazine gave me a makeover! It was hella fun & I felt fabulous until I got in front of a camera- then I just felt awkward. You can read the article here. Look forward to a behind the scenes post, complete with pictures of me looking like complete shit.

Here's the official "after" shot. It's not sucky! Yay!

(photo by Matt Rose)

If you read this whole thing, I thank you from the bottom of my hard ass.

I'm back on the blogging wagon & am ready to ride, baby.

I promise I'm not lame.

2011-01-28T10:56:00.001-05:00

Hellooooo out there!

Ok, so I've been stuck in a blogging vortex. That's the short explanation. The long (& amazingly intriguing) explanation will have to wait.

For the moment, though I feel like I need to at least throw a post up because I'm at Blissdom- a blogging conference in Nashville. I'm meeting all these other bloggers & handing out my (ghetto fabulous, hand made) business cards with my info & shit. I'm afraid people or (you reading this!) will think I'm super lame & kind of sucky. Which is only partially true.

I do have more recent posts up over at Aiming Low though! I listed some of them below. Read them if you're a fan of crotch talk & ninja toddlers. And if you don't like crotch talk or ninja toddlers, we can't be friends. Just kidding.

Pleasuring your face hole the EZPZ way. Nutella included!
The one where I tell Barney to STFU
Go outside. Be kind. Wash your crotch
I've got balls in my genes
Merry Christmas! Here's a lion & some sexual intercourse.
We be illin' (contains nose douching & astroglide)

and just for funsies, here are a couple of my newest Valentine cards to feast your eyes upon:

Ok, now I feel better & less sucky.

non-sucky!

2010-12-31T16:56:00.000-05:00

Printable presents for your people!

2010-12-24T23:53:00.000-05:00

Hey you, the one on the internet during Christmas time!

Do you need something to occupy your kid(s) or semi-annoying adult guests or bored elderly relatives?

Warm up your printers, grab your crayons & run off a few copies of these babies.

I tried to cover most current holiday-ish bases.

So, no matter what you are celebrating- sweet baby Jesus in a manger, Santa coming to town via a glowing, mutant reindeer, your friend who is a dumb ho, the annual day of ordering chinese take out (for my beloved Jewish homeys), the anticipation of a white Christmas, or perhaps talking corndogs- you are bound to find some festive entertainment.

There's also some dumb ass gift tags included at the end, if you need those.

(and you might...if you're one of those who waits until Christmas Eve to wrap presents).

Save those for the extra special people in your life.

Wishing you lots o' love & peace & meats on sticks!

P.S. Thanks for reading my blog. I know it's stupid. I really love this little space on the interwebs & am actually, really surprised that some of you actually like it. I want to be more consistent but my brain has been consumed with all kinds of feelings & stuff. Good lord, I have lots of feelings & stuff.

Sometimes transparency is hard. I'm sure you understand.

Anyway-thanks so much for all the words of encouragement recently.

You're only supporting me in my quest to talk about your nipple hair.

Merry Christmas to you on the other side of the screen!

2010-12-24T14:23:00.000-05:00

People & dudes! We wish you a very Merry Christmas & a ~~Nappy~~ Happy New Year!

We didn't do our usual Christmas postcard this year due to technical difficulties- which makes me a little sad because I am a huge fan of snail mail. And call me crazy but I love sitting down & addressing all of them with a brand new fine tipped Sharpie. BUT OMG, isn't Ruby so cute in this virtual e-card?! To get this shot, I went through 50 thousand blurry ones of her wiggling & bouncing around & hitting me with her bear. Finally, I laid her on the bed, stood over her, & threatened to tickle her. And voila! I get a smile. She is the sweetest little 2 year old. I love watching her grow & learn words & discover the world around her. Her newest word is "amazing." She'll say it with extra enthusiasm: "ohhh! mazing!" It's hilarious & adorable.

I feel an end of the year reflective post brewing within me (or I might just have to fart real bad). It's almost the 1st anniversary of me going balls to the wall & I've got a lot to say about it. Hopefully it will manifest itself in words.

In the meantime, make sure you've clicked on over to AimingLow.com where I've posted a few times recently! There's one about douching & lubing your nose & another entitled, "Merry Christmas! Here's a lion & some sexual intercourse." They're all right here for your enjoyment. XOXO

Celebrating a living legend. Happy Birthday Sarah!

2010-12-13T17:39:00.001-05:00

Today is a special day.

Not only is it Taylor Swift's 21st birthday (& quite possibly Jake Gyllenhall's lucky day)...

It also happens to be my dear friend Sarah's anniversary of the day she came out of her mom's body.

(Thanks Regina for all the pushing!)

She is one of those people that spreads joy & love & diet coke & sweetness wherever she goes.

I am lucky & blessed & super mega uber fortunate to have her on speed dial.

She brings the happy.

How can you not love that face?! You can't.

And since we don't live in the same town & I can't squeeze her neck & give her a cake & throw confetti at her face, I will do what I can- which is show her some love on my slice of the internet.

So, allow me to indulge in a small photo montage of pseudo jokey jokes that you probably won't get...

but Sarah will.

Sarah, my homey, you are the kind of friend that everyone wants & deserves.

You are the kind of person that I strive to be.

You are gracious & beautiful & vivacious & compassionate & unexpectedly hysterical.

I love you like crazy & am so happy you like me.

Happy happy HAPPY Birthday to youuuu!

XOXO

(special thanks to Miriam who is responsible for being our matchmaker).

P.S. My 2nd Aiming Low post is up today! Go read, let your hair down & shake your ass area.

P.P.S. Aiming Low is helping to support a struggling single mother (who is also going to school & working) with 4 children have a merry Christmas. Would you consider giving a dollar or two? Every dollar matters. Go here for more info. Thanks for your consideration.

Baby Jesus, Santa & Sarah would be so proud of you. ;)

this is happening! go to there!

2010-12-10T10:02:00.001-05:00

Your favorite downtown funky gift shop is ready to party!

I'll be there, all merry & bright, with a bunch of my most titillating creations.

Block of awesome paintings, naughty greeting cards, shitty Asheville postcards, new magical unicorn butt postcards & the cutest personalized ornaments you'll ever see in your entire life that day.

my new fave

I'll have some of these uber cool old school notebook paper ornaments there ready to personalize.

And as usual, LOFT has a large, vibrant selection of frames, candles, jewelry, books, pillows, feather boa christmas wreaths & these:

It's an ashtray. Brilliant!

I think it's safe to say that your whole year will be shot to hell if you're not there.

The LOFT girls are so much fun & they love wine & a good time, so come on out & get your bells jingled.

magical happenings all up in my face!

2010-12-03T14:53:00.002-05:00

There are so many fun (& exhausting) things happening, y'all.

I shall not complain though!

That's what happens when you put your balls to the wall.

(P.S. I'm brainstorming about creating a balls to the wall movement! It's mission would be to encourage you to take those dreams you have & make them a reality. Whatcha think? I'm open to ideas).

I'm scrambling around our little house in preparation for the Big Crafty! It's this Sunday & if you live anywhere near Asheville, you should totally be there. Even if you don't have any money to spend, you should go because, hello, there will be FREE LOCAL CRAFT BEER.

And it's total eye candy with crack in it. Who doesn't like that?

AND I want to see you! Come say hi to me!

go look at their website- it got a fancy new holiday makeover! (It looks awesome, Justin & Brandy)!

I'll also be selling these magical unicorn postcards:

and the ever-popular Asheville postcards!

If you want some- get there early because supplies are limited! I'd hate to disappoint you.

I have lots of new designs for my "blocks of awesome" that I'm hoping will make you blush & giggle like a fool. At least I did when I created them. Oh! They will be on SALE too! Normally they are $35 in my shop & all over town but I'm pricing them at $30 just for Big Crafty shoppers. Booyah!

If you don't live near Asheville & are pissed that I'm not offering you a discount too, have no fear- I have a coupon code for you! Enter the code: BALLSTOTHEWALL when you checkout to get 15% off your entire purchase. Boom.

Other awesome things:

My homey Amber is having a trunk show at Hip Replacements!

(I made this flier for her. I kinda like it a lot).

need more awesome?

go lay your eyes on my very first post for

Aiming low

It's entitled, "I swear to be uncouth & nothing but uncouth, so help me God."

My large friend Derek (who has a tattoo of a taco on his thigh) left this comment earlier: "Your words are like magical pudding. …just saying this is the start of something good and pudding y." I can only hope, Derek. I can only hope.

Everyone stop what you're doing. I have an important-ish announcement to make.

2010-12-01T16:14:00.000-05:00

You know when a dog gets so excited about seeing their owner & they run around in circles & pant so hard slobber flies all over the damn place & they bark their furry face off & then leave a pee stream everywhere?

That's how I feel about being one of the new writers for Aiming Low.

Which if you didn't know by now, has a legacy of being perhaps the bestest & most awesomest group-blog on the interwebs. I've been a big fan of these women for awhile now & when I got the email from Anissa asking if I'd like to be a part of the new writing staff, I might have squealed like a baby pig.

(Dang, I'm referencing a lot of maniacal animals).

So, prepare your sexy bodies for shock & awe as you peruse this life-changing, belly-laughter-inducing site. Today's fine featured posts include:

1) Shaving a toilet seat (yes, you read that right- I did just type shaving a toilet seat). Thanks for that, Schmutzie.

2) A semi-cosmic horoscope from the incomparable & lovable Deb Rox that literally made me laugh so hard I woke Ruby up. Here's an excerpt:

"... at the start of each month I’m going to throw down a low-balled interpretation of what the planetary zeitgeist might mean to you based on the work of real live astrologers. Is astrology for real? I don’t know. It was good enough for the Greeks, and they had awesome taste–just look at the Parthenon and the amazing work they’ve done with olives and naked statues."

3) A brief introduction of all the writers by the head ho-bag herself, Anissa Mayhew- who, in my book, can pretty much rule the free world after all she's been through. Like, you know, her darling daughter having cancer, experiencing not one but 2 strokes & being in a coma (& now a wheelchair). Nothing could stop this powerhouse from telling twitter about being naked & showering with only one usable hand. Please, for the love, do not tell her she is inspirational because she might "punch a baby." (She's not serious. She really likes babies in general. I think).

My advice, for what it's worth, is to grab a cocktail or two (unless your goal is to remain respectfully sober much like one of my favorite beautiful, balls to the wall bloggers- CecilyK)- then indulge yourself in the awesomeness that is Aiming Low. Get excited about a blog solely devoted to embracing your imperfectly perfect self. Oh, and you might want to consider wearing a diaper (or even reading it on the toilet with your sweatpants around your ankles) just in case your mommy bladder is shot all to hell.

*This surge of optimism & unbridled energy is brought to you by my unofficial sponsor, Vyvanse.
Vyvanse & my brain- it's a match made in ADD heaven.

making babies is fun.

2010-11-29T00:24:00.000-05:00

OMG HI!

Do you like how I was all, "I'm going to blog in installments!"& then never freaking blogged in installments?

Sorry about that.

I have had a chronic, long ass to-do list & am trying to tackle that mother before it devours me whole.

If I don't stay ahead of things, I get overwhelmed & FREAK THE EFF OUT.

I feel so crazy lately but there's some exciting stuff going on that I'm going to remain annoyingly vague about. We shall see how it all unfolds...!

Anyways! Here's a picture-heavy post to please your eyeballs!

But 1st, let me have the pleasure of introducing you to my friends Steve & Nikki.

This is the handsome couple at their beautiful, intimate, candle-lit wedding at Zambra's.

Lots of deep red roses & sangria & tapas & sexy people.

Look at all that love.

They are awesome (to say the least).

This is them at Halloween this year.

super attractive, y'all.

It was only a matter of time before these overly good looking people made a small human with their genitals.

Lo & behold, they connected in a special way & look what happened:

Nikki got knocked up. Yay!

She's had the best pregnancy. Hasn't felt sick at all, still wearing her normal jeans (!!!?!), & looks amazing 24/7. We should all hate her... but it's impossible to do.

She's having a little boy & is sort of modeling her nursery around this one:

It's Jenna Lyons' boy's room. Jenna is the Creative Director of JCrew.

That's where we got our inspiration for her shower. No typical baby blue booties to see here.

I was not in charge of the food. This is good because I do not cook well.

That's where Sommer stepped in.

We're talkin' shrimp & grits, chai latte cupcakes, chocolate bombs... some serious delectable dishes.

(P.S. for all you foodie people, go check out her drool-worthy blog.)

I handled the decorations & flowers. That's way more up my alley.

I got that yellow bucket at the Screen Door for $3. Booyah!

Here's our lovely guest of honor. She is literally glowing.

It's not just because she likes to break open glow sticks & rub them on her body.

(Just kidding! She doesn't do that. But she should. That would be so badass).

Here I am trying to not cross my eyes & stick my tongue out like an idiot.

That card in front is similar to what the invitations looked like.

Women came from all over to celebrate Nikki's wombmate.

Love that Sarah smile. She's like sunshine.

yay for friends!

her mom & crazy ass sisters.

So adorable I could puke.

love them!

The favors were antique bottles with yellow spray roses & lamb's ear in them.
If you look closely at the whale tag, you might notice that the whale has a penis.
Appropriate because Nikki is having a boy. Hence the penis.

The stunning hostesses. I have a bad habit of photo bombing my own pictures. I'm a bad poser.

We ate like champs & showered Nikki with little baby gifts & played shower games that weren't lame.

P.S. Pregnancy pictionary is a winner. Try drawing episiotomy without laughing. I dare you. Do it now. I bet you can't do it with a straight face because ultimately, you have to draw lady parts.

And then it always ends up looking like a strange canoe or baked goods.

If you wanna see about 70 more photos, click here!

(P.S. If Nikki looks familiar, it's because she is responsible for introducing Zack & I at her 80's Rock Star party).

The one where I meet Amy Sedaris & sort of show her my boob.

2010-11-15T21:57:00.001-05:00

Ok, so apparently the vlog Gods* are straight up hating on me today because I have attempted to vlog about 17 thousand million times & it effed up EVERY TIME. Ugh. Whatever. (*in case you were wondering, I don't really believe there is such a thing as vlog Gods).

I had the most incrediballs weekend. For real, it was EPIC. I never use that word but this weekend totally deserves that amount of ridiculous enthusiasm. I'm going to break it up into 3 different installments due to the massive amount of pictures & words that need to be shared to the internet. Your attention span is probably too short for all of it at once. I know mine is.

Let's start with Friday night.

Sarah, Emily & I went to the Amy Sedaris reading at the Asheville Community Theatre that Malaprop's put on.

Look how big our smiles are. It's because, holy shit, we're going to see Amy Sedaris craft some stupid shit AND then meet her afterwards so she can sign her new book, Simple Times for us.

We are fans of Amy's stupid crafty shit!

I was particularly excited because she is sort of my hero. I mean, a large portion of her last book consisted of pictures of her trying to put on control top panty hose. It was love at 1st crotch shot for me. (I wish I could say that about more people. That was not an invitation to show me your crotch. Unless you have a really attractive crotch. Then by all means, show me).

We made sure we got there early for good seats. Front row, baby.

I was also really excited because I made her some presents.
I wanted to make her something she would actually use.
So I made her these bad boys:

Yes, that is one of my old inhalers glued to a red lighter.
The pink one has magnets on the other side so she can keep it on her refrigerator.
I shellacked the orange one with a fortune & some mod podge.
And the blue one has a joint made out of felt, glued to it.

I was really proud of my work.
I don't know if she actually smokes pot or not but she jokes about it a lot so I thought she would appreciate them.

I also slipped one of my "I love you with all of my butt" cards in there.

This is what I wrote:

And this is what I wrapped them in:

She came out on stage & almost immediately asked for a volunteer to help her.

So, of course, I whipped my hand up & gestured like a rabid monkey.

To my surprise, she freakin' picked me.

It was at this moment that I have trouble recollecting exactly what went down for the next several minutes. I know I made it up the ramp & then scampered over to her.

Apparently at one point she jokingly said, "show me your tits!" & I actually tried to show her.

My job was to hold her microphone while she made her first craft.

I was standing way too close. I am such a dork.

Look at me. I was FREAKING.

I like how she's wearing the same dress she wore on the Tonight Show with David Letterman.

This is the part where I was trying to resist the urge to dry hump her or poke her in the boob with the mic.

This is me laughing at the thought of dry humping her or poking her in the boob with the mic & then realizing that I had no effing clue what she was doing or talking about.

(Stop looking at my double chin).

And this is the part where she asked me if I was going to school.

ALL I could muster up was, "No. I'm old."

Everything else was a blurrr.

Except for the part where Emily asked her if she had any good craft ideas for people in rehab.

And when I handed her my present, which she took, said thank you & did not open.

The next thing I know, it's over & we are in the lobby waiting to get our books signed.

I also brought my copy of "I Like You" for her to sign.

I briefly told her about the 2nd time I met her brother David & what he wrote in my book.

That's why she wrote WHORE at the bottom.

In order for the signing to go quickly, the fabulous Malaprop's staff handed out post it notes to everyone so Amy would know who to make the book out to.

I opted for slut puppy.

I don't know why. I just thought it would be funny.

She didn't open the present in front of me but I'm just going to assume that she loved the lighters so much she cried tears of joy, kissed them & called David immediately to tell him about it.

Like I said, EPIC. Dreams do come true.

If you like laughing for days & pee-ing in puddles, go pick up her new book at your local, independent bookstore.

(a HUGE ASS THANK YOU to Jeremy who is responsible for taking those priceless pictures).

Next up? A recap of the most adorable baby shower I helped throw for my hot mama friend, Nikki!

watch this.

2010-11-10T23:40:00.000-05:00

"The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be."

I'll type your face.

2010-11-09T23:07:00.000-05:00

Y'all! I entered a contest. I never do that.

But this one got me all excited.

Not crotchally excited.

Just aesthetically excited.

Big difference.

Have a look:

Design Sponge, one of my fave sites ever in the history of sites, asked for their readers to submit their own original alphabet designs. I was all over it.

Although I will say, I'm not overly confident about what I came up with.

They just need some sprucing up or something.

It's probably because of the lack of color.

Too plain for me.

Anyways, I'll stop nit picking my work & just show them to you!

This one is called Mother Father. I don't know why I called it that. Just go with it.

here's Big Booty! It sounded fun & playful & the B reminds me of a butt.

I'm calling this one "Hollow" because it's like, hollow.

& Lackadaisical

Ok, so I may not win anything but at least I tried, right? And for that, I'm proud of myself.

It's good practice to put myself out there.

I just read on twitter that there are over 400 submissions. Whoa. They are going to choose 10 finalists this week & then it's up to the public to vote for their favorite. I can't wait to see what they choose.

I friggin love typography.

I whipped this up the other day for a home show I'm going to be a part of!

They do have an official graphic for it but for some reason it wouldn't let me save it as a picture. Whatevs.

Anyways- you should totally come if you live anywhere near here. By the way, it's in Weaverville, not BFE. It's only 6 miles from downtown. (Plus, you can swing by Well Bred Bakery & pick up a Mountain Eclair- which is the size of a baby head). There's going to be all sorts of handmade goodies that you will die over. I'm talkin' jewelry, art, pottery, handbags, glass bongs, crocheted thongs, & the finest meth in town! Ok, I lied about some of those.

Feel free to grab the pic & spread it around the internet. Tell all your homeys & people you may or may not know in real life.

I know there's more I wanted to tell you but my eyes are rolling into the back of my head & I almost drooled on my laptop. I am so attractive right now.

xoxo!

wtf wordless wednesday.

2010-11-03T16:48:00.000-04:00

pictures, pumpkins, & poop.

2010-11-02T14:18:00.001-04:00

It's a little wild over here at our house (par for the course I guess).

Lots of sucky stuff happening as well as lots of potentially super awesome/amazing stuff.

I would tell you all about it but I probably shouldn't air our dirty laundry today.

Maybe I will in the future. It might overwhelm me more to type it all out.

And then with the super awesome stuff- there's the whole "don't count your chickens before they hatch" thing.

I've got some fun announcements that I don't want to announce just yet.

Everything that's happening right now is kind of giving me nervous diarrhea.

It's like a roller coaster ride of feces! Weeeee!

So, all that to say, I don't have a lot of words right now but I DO have pictures!

I'm not going to comment on how fat my neck looks or how Ruby failed to look at the camera or how Zack looks like he's wearing those geriatric sunglasses that fit over regular glasses.

I'm just going to be thankful for my sweet sweet family that I love love love.

As per tradition, we hit up the pumpkin patch. Only this time we were a tad bit late cause there weren't any ding dang pumpkins left except for the warty lookin' ones & the teeny ones.

Ruby wouldn't even sit still for the obligatory "sitting with Daddy in front of the red door" photo.

That's ok though. This is where she is in life right now. She's all over the place.

It makes me laugh.

It also makes me want to drink heavily.

Do you feel that? It's my heart swelling.

This little girl will do that to ya.

After that, we went cruisin' along the Blue Ridge Parkway.

This is Buzzard's Rock. Zack took me here on our 2nd date. It's also where he used to go & drink with his buddies in high school. So, it's practically sacred ground.

It's nice to be married to a local boy who knows his way around dirt roads.

This reminds me of my grandaddy. He used to let me sit in his lap & drive his old truck around the farm.

I really miss him & the farm.

Here's Ruby in her all her trick or treating glory. She was a butterfly because it was free.

(Thanks for that, Emily!)

Still working on getting her to smile on command. Not an easy task.

Threatening doesn't help.

Neither does bribing with candy. That little punk would just grab it & run like hell.

And here we are in our fab last minute costumes.

Our name tags say "We will poop at your party."

(Which is true if your party last longer than 2 hours. I'm fairly regular).

And the sign's fine print declares- "Mostly because we are tired and/or lazy & don't have $ to spend on costumes."

Zack looks thrilled doesn't he? The dude can't smile for pictures properly. If he tries to it just looks like he's fake smiling. It's because he can't fake anything.

Unlike me.

I fake it all the time.

Just kidding!

I don't need to with a hunk like that. Owww!

all up in the shop.

2010-10-28T18:18:00.000-04:00

Finally I got some pictures up of my new stuff on etsy. I am actually happy with the photos. I tried to liven them up with some props.

Here are a couple of the new ornaments!

and here are some blocks of awesome ready to brighten up your life.

They're looking for a good home. Preferable a cool one with a full bar.

If you wanna see more go here!

While you're at it, take a look at my newest Etsy find:

www.whatparty.etsy.com

She makes this awesomeness:

Cute & funny- my fave combo. (of course).

We're off for the evening to go see Band of Horses! Way excited that we get to see them live. Speaking of, look who's sporting a Big Crafty t-shirt on stage:

Zack's generous aunt & uncle bought us tickets.

How fantastic is that?! I'll tell you, it's totally fantastic.

obscene things come to those who wait

2010-10-26T01:40:00.000-04:00

People & dudes! Hi!

Please forgive my lack of posting. It's not you, it's me. I'm a semi-circumstantial slacker. I am also a regular slacker too.

I wanted to say thanks so much for all the feedback you left about my crazy ADD post. Seriously you guys said lots of encouraging things that made me love you real big. In case you were wondering (& you might be because I've had some people asking), vyvanse is alright. I mean, honestly, I can't actually tell. So I don't know if it's working or not. Maybe I need to up the dosage or something... but I do go back to see my doc in a couple weeks so I guess we'll talk about it & adjust accordingly then. I just don't want to feel all tweaky n shit. Or maybe I'll find a more natural way to deal with it.

The only side effects I have had are dry mouth (eww) & a lack of appetite (WHICH I'M NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT). Normally I think about food way too much (hence the cute fat rolls). But since I've been on Vyvanse I don't even think about it. Like, I will go all day & forget to eat. That's bad cause it's obviously not healthy at all & I could develop an eating disorder by default. This is highly unlikely but you never know how people will respond under the influence of brain drugs.

I've been consciously attempting to stick to my lists & priorities but I'm not noticing any difference on my ability to focus & finish things. And I'm still losing my keys & my baby. Just kidding. I haven't lost Ruby... yet. (Everyone stop what you're doing & knock on wood).

So, there's that.

In other news! I've been working on other ornament designs!

all of them come with a red ribbon.

I super like them. They're not your typical fragile Christmas ornaments- which makes for a perfect, personalized keepsake for years & years. Ideal for the family with wild ass children (or rascally pets) (or intoxicated grandparents) who tend to eff up the Christmas tree every year. AND guess what? They're all hand painted & hand scripted with tons of my crafty love on salvaged wood. So not only are you supporting handmade, you are saving the Earth! You're an Earth saver! Yay you!

They can all be personalized to your liking on both sides of course. So you can add your anniversary, like I did above, or a baby's birthdate & all the other important baby stats like weight & length & time of birth & size of their 1st meconium or maybe even the length of your episiotomy. (P.S. don't click on that link if you are a female & are considering children in the future).

On another, less vagina-y note, do you like my new vintage-y looking photos with rounded corners? I recently discovered picnik.com (where have I been? Oh right, I've been dilly-dallying with holes & faces & blingee-ing people) & I went a little crazy on my photo collection. See:

sweet little Madeline.

My friend James & his new album cover. He's so not in a band & isn't a singer but if he was, he should TOTALLY use this. By the way, he is just as adorable as you think he might be.

See where Ruby got her fingers in the black paint?

wee little sweet cheeks

speaking of, prepare yourself for more cheeks...

Hey, at least it's not an ugly ass. It could be a lot worse. Zack has an adorable, hairless backside. And I didn't show you his brown eye. You are welcome.

I'm thinking this is a serious contender for this years Christmas card. YOU CAN'T TELL ME you don't want this on your refrigerator. I got picnik skillz y'all!

For more etsy shop updates and maybe less nudity, see here & here. xoxo

Oh! I almost forgot! You can now find a crapload of my paintings at one of my fave Asheville shops, LOFT on Broadway. Super yay.

i like hores.

2010-10-16T19:27:00.001-04:00

Photos of Zack that make me want to french him. Volume 1.

2010-10-15T10:43:00.000-04:00

Excuse me a second while I delight in my spouse's mug.

Rumor has it, there was lots of Jack in that Coke.

I LOVE THIS PICTURE. Those are balloon boobies & the hot female shall remain nameless.

fun with facial hair

I am sad for all humans that don't have the pleasure of being married to this man.

He's totally got game.

Definitely has a way with the ladies. And dudes like him too.

Once he had a gay buddy offer him everything he had in his bank account (around $8,000) for a taste. Not the whole "entree" just an "appetizer."

Zack politely turned him down (after considering it for around 2.5 seconds) but isn't that crazy?

Sometimes when we're low on funds I joke about trying to find that guy for some easy cash.

Apparently, that's only funny to me.

Another thing that's only funny to me? When Zack asks me where something is & I respond every time with "it's in your butt."

Another thing that's only funny to me? When Zack calls me on the phone & asks me what I'm doing & I respond every time with "masturbating."

For the record, I don't do that & I don't even know what that means.

We're going out tonight baby. I asked him what he wanted to do & he said, "Drink wine & 'do it' outside."

SO. ROMANTIC.

balls to the wall, mental health edition!

2010-10-12T10:23:00.000-04:00

So, it's official. I have ADD. Duh. I went to a psychologist to get tested & lo & behold, all of the data pointed straight to this "disability."

I've always thought I might have it after being consciously aware of my behavior in adulthood & after considering my tendencies as a kid.

I was never a good student.

I am super disorganized.

I procrastinate like a mofo & am never on time.

I forget things all. the. time. Like important things.

I feel scatterbrained & flighty a lot.

I have a hard time finishing things. I go from one thing to the next. I'm chronically distracted.

Dr.P (the friendly psychologist) assured me I wasn't a dumbass (not her words). I took an IQ test that confirmed it. So that's good. I'll admit, I was a little worried.

She also said I had issues with anxiety but I'm thinking that the ADD is what's causing the anxiety in the 1st place. So hopefully that will take care of itself.

It feels like my brain & thoughts are filled with confetti & I want to look at every little colorful piece floating all around me. That's what it feels like.

this isn't me as a child but I definitely had big ass bangs like that.

It's actually really frustrating. Even when I make list after list after list to try & stay on task, I can't ever do it- at least not quickly or efficiently. That has what made me feel like I am a dumbass- like I haven't had the willpower or brainpower to stay on top of things when in reality, it's my brain's inability to manage information.

I am hopeful that this medication I have been given (hello Vyvanse!) will help me to focus. I am hopeful that I will be able to think more clearly, to accomplish my goals for the day & for my freakin' life, yo. I have a lot of things I want to do & am feeling that this is the time to really go balls to the wall with my brain.

This is the part where I take care of myself. I'm no longer short sighted. I'm actually thinking a lot about my future instead of taking it day by day & just letting things fall into my lap.

Maybe this will be a magic pill, maybe it won't- but at least I'm trying right? That's the least I can do. I just took my very 1st one about an hour ago & so far so good. I'm going to be live tweeting my experience with it today so get excited about that if you're a tweeter.

My magic pill didn't come with a magic wand. I'm a little pissed.

Have you been here where I am? Do you have any advice, tips or words of encouragement?! If you do, I'd love to hear em. Thanks y'all for even reading this & possibly caring about it. I really do appreciate it. I swear I personally know the best people on the planet. xoxo

the one where I blog about the blog that I guest blogged on.

2010-10-08T12:07:00.001-04:00

Dudes! I guest blogged for Una LaMarche's popular & prestigious blog "The Sassy Curmudgeon" & you should go read it! Unless you're related to me, cause you might get a little gaggy.

Actually, that's kind of my life goal- to make people (who are not related to me) puke and/or make them horny. And if I accomplish those 2 things simultaneously, I will be so proud of myself.

She also writes hysterical & poignant Project Runway recaps on The Huffington Post. Which means she gets to rub elbows with super fancy people like Tim Gunn (my fave). I'm a big fan of her live tweeting NYC fashion shows where she astutely comments like this:

Dear Una, my sorta-kinda-internet-BFF, thanks so much for asking me to grace your internet space. I am honored that you even like me.

P.S. I need to apologize to Jeff, Una's husband (not for revealing his ottoman humping tendency)- but for that awful photo of my crotchal painting. He's like, a professional photographer so he's probably crying over it right now. I didn't know it was such a shitty resolution.

P.P.S. If this is your 1st time visiting balls to the wall y'all- here's a big hearty WELCOME to you! If you like thrilling, first hand stories about pubes or baby doo doo, you have found your new home! Put your feet up & stink up my bathroom with your poop!

P.P.P.S. Not to pimp myself out or anything but if you want to (& are cool enough), you can find me & my crap on lots of social media outlets. All the links are to the left on my sidebar-right underneath that (not fake at all) picture of me & Demi.

P.P.P.P.S. I almost forgot to include this special faceinhole made especially for the Curmudgeon herself:

More Ruby's birthday cuteness. Video form.

2010-10-06T15:50:00.001-04:00

Zack totally looks drugged in these videos. He is not. Ok, maybe a little. His shoulder is still sucky.

I like watching her mouth when she says her "O."

Ok, I'm just now noticing the major typo in the opening title. My bad.

2 much

2010-10-05T16:28:00.000-04:00

Our little Ruby is 2 today.

She is our wee ray of sunshine.

She is the precious fruit of our burning loins.

She is our vibrant little human being.

She is our relentless wall artist.

And our bouncing, happy dancer.

She is our Ruby.

And we love her so effing much.

(thanks Dad for those ridiculous sparkly, light up shoes. She loves them, of course).

Congratulations Emily Blunt. You win.

2010-09-29T15:55:00.000-04:00

I just need to stop for a second & show this to you.

Go ahead. Gaze upon this man face.

Take as much time as you need. It's a lot to take in.

(that's what she said).

Now scroll down to the next one.

Make sure you're sitting down & have clean underwear on.

yes. thank you.

I mean, he is just.... so..... mother effing adorable I can't even form sentannces oh my gawd I just want to squeeze the boo boo out of him & put him in my pocket y'all.

By the way, if you're all "who the eff is this dude & why are you losing your g-dang mind?"- I'm sorry. He's the dude on The Office (USA version), remember?

He is also the inspiration for these creations:

and this card:

He doesn't necessarily fit my typical man crush. I tend to like burly, beer guzzling, hairy chested men with strong hands & a big, um... brain. But he's just so tenderhearted & self ~~defecating~~ deprecating I can't help but be all swoony when I see him on big screens & small screens & any dang screen really.

I know I'm not the only one, right? Give it up for Krasinski!

(if you need to take these pictures & use them as your screen saver, I totally understand).

#awesomenessinyourface

2010-09-25T13:16:00.000-04:00

Here they are!! My brand spankin' new twitter Christmas ornaments! They are making their HUGE debut this weekend at the TypeAMom Conference & are receiving rave reviews by lots of important, beautiful people with super elite opinions.
Here is the one for @Debontherocks (who is megasuper awesome, FYI).

Of course I didn't snap a pic of the back that says #seasonstweetings because well, I'm kind of an idiot & probably got distracted by something pretty (like @CecilyK's pink head).

I will have some (not a lot- so get 'em while they're hot! ooo- I totally rhymed) tomorrow morning at the Mommy Market from 8-10am. I can personalize them on the spot.

I will also have stuff like this:

& this:

& this

aaaaaand this:

So if you like those, get your sweet asses up tomorrow morning & come buy some of my shit so I can ~~buy meth~~ feed my baby.

And because I feel like I can't end anything without a hashtag these days I feel compelled to do this:

#typeamom

The "I'm a wiener!" & "TypeAMom crap" post!

2010-09-24T01:01:00.003-04:00

What's up yall?! Lots going on over here. Lots to say. First, I guess I should probably talk about the local Asheville blogger awards. I won some of em. Like 6 of em. How crazy is that?!! Here's the list-

Best New Blog
Best Craft Blog

Blogger I’d Most Like to Have a Beer With

Most Likely to Make You Laugh Out Loud

Blogger You’d Most Like to See Naked

Best Overall Blog
Find the other awesome Asheville blogger/tweeter awards listed here.

So, that's fun right? But I'm feeling all pressure-y & shit now. Honestly, I was pretty damn shocked. I was hoping to maybe oust my crafty pal Amy Kett of her crafty blog reign but I did not expect this at all. You'd think I was servicing people all over town for votes (which I wasn't. Sorry to disappoint). I mean, compared to a lot of other local blogs, this one is pretty shitty. Evidenced here (& in the archives):

First of all, I am not a writer. I freaking failed high school English my sophomore year & had to go to summer school. Maybe it was because of that poem that I wrote about menstruating. The last line was: "period. the end."
My grammar is horrendous & I can't even spell weiner correctly. I'm pretty confident some of you grammar snobs would like to take a red pen to some of my posts.
I'm still on blogger. Apparently, all the cool/smart kids use wordpress or typepad or whatever. I feel like I'm doing well figuring this blogspot contraption out. I don't understand html or code or 100010110001010001000 jokes. I'm not that ~~nerdy~~ cool.
I'm just typing out stuff that amuses me. A lot of the time, it's just stupid shit that I think is funny.

BUT I really do appreciate you reading & voting though! Seriously. And because I like to oblige I took this naked pic for you (minus the beer but still with alcohol)-

Cheers! Ok, so maybe I'm fully naked & maybe I'm not. You'll never know (unless you make me do a keg stand- then I'll show & tell you EVERYTHING). Trust me, though- you really don't want to see me sans clothes unless you need some serious comedic therapy. Pregnancy was a total bitch to this body. At least my nipples are still pointing out & not down like one of those ladies you see on National Geographic. I'm pretty happy about that. There's a special little tidbit for ya! You're welcome!

This weekend I'm attending the TypeAMom Conference. Actually, I'm a local sponsor (woot! Thanks Kelby!) So all the lucky attendees are receiving one of these beauties:

(Why do I like taking pictures with my mouth open? So weird).

All of the speakers at the conference are receiving my brand spanking new personalized twitter Christmas ornaments!!! (or magnet if they indicated that they don't celebrate Christmas). I wish I had a picture to show you but I forgot to take one before I delivered them today. I will definitely get some tomorrow. Here's a half way through/unfinished shot:

They're all hand painted & hand scripted by me on salvaged wood. Yay for earth friendly handmade stuff! I added wee little red birds & they hang by red ribbon. On the back it says #seasonstweetings.

Also, I ran out of my cute moo business cards so I improvised & made these:

I will be at the Mommy Market on Sunday morning & will have ornaments & some of my other creations available for personalization & purchase. Super excited about the whole weekend. I'm already exhausted just thinking about it but that's what I get for taking my balls to the wall motto to the EXXXXXTREME.

xoxo!

Go Blingee Yourself.

2010-09-16T22:03:00.000-04:00

I took a break in the midst of painting ornaments for all the speakers of the TypeAMom Conference to Blingee myself.

Create cool Profile Comments

I'm really digging the wolf.

It's almost as fun as faceinhole.com.

I said almost.

Faceinhole will always remain my number 1 favorite stupid ass waste of time.

Ladies & Gentlepeople I give you: The Indie Craft Parade

2010-09-16T12:41:00.003-04:00

Ok, so. You're totally going to hate this post if you don't like adorable, colorful, beautiful, hilarious hand-crafted shit.

You can just go back to facebooking/tweeting/googling/tumbling/playingangrybirds/watchingporn now.

Last Friday one of my fave friends Emily & I jumped in an automobile & headed down the mountain to Greenville, SC for the 1st Indie Craft Parade.

Here's Emily looking like she's up to something- which is typically true. She's a tricky one. Not like "turning tricks" tricky but like sneaky-tricky.

I unexpectedly got to see my sweetest friend ever, Amy. Seriously, think of your sweetest friend... now times that by like eleventy jillion & you've got Amy. I finally met her boyfriend, Dan the man. Real happy about that. (Hi Amy & Dan! xoxo)

It was held at the newly renovated Hugenot Mill downtown. It's a beautiful building that held (I think) 77 vendors. We got there & discovered a huge line all the way down the street to get in. We waited for about 30 minutes. It was at maximum occupancy- which is good because people showed up but bad because it was crowded as hell & of course, all the waiting. I know it's a great location but they might want to reconsider a larger venue for next year because it's only going to get bigger.

It definitely was worth it though. Take a look at these treasures...

Here's Hawleywood's super cute, colorful jewelry.

Jessica the creator sporting a necklace that I freakin love.

I die for statement necklaces.

totally bananas.

Here's plush fave/Asheville's own Canoo!

visit her etsy shop

join her facebook page

Adorable aprons & pillows & jewelry from darling Bonnie at Going Home To Roost- this site, by the way, is a great resource for all crafters. Check out her Indie Biz section- it's chock full of info to help you grow your biz/etsy shop/blog.

her facebook page

she's also a tweeter y'all.

There she is! The inevitable post of Amber & her Vintage Vanity goods. She continues to bring the gorgeous accessories to your bodies.

find her on facebook here.

One of a kind, cool ass, hand dyed yarn by Urban Gypz Stacey! Getchoo some here.

Ooo look! It's Jimmie Lynn & Wingo designs. I'm like, so in love with the numbers. She's wearing her super cute "Cloud 9" necklace.

Gorgeous organic drawings & paintings by Annie Koelle.

see more of her beautiful work here.

Behold! Beth Schaible Letterpress books & such!

adore this big ass postcard.

check her out here

I'm crushing hard on this Gnome Sweet Gnome pillow from Three Bad Seeds!

I immediately recognized Rajshel & her Jane Hancock paper goods from The Big Crafty. I have some of her cool ornaments.

Super awesome Write Round Journals from Erin!

Look at what Ashley created! These silhouette necklaces are so dreamy.

pretty pretty! Here's her site.

I finally got to meet my online homeys Lori & Amanda in person! Lori even brought me a present from her store. Thanks for that! And yes, that is a weiner pillow under her arm. Be jealous.

One look at Half & Half Designs & I was swooning. This is Nick the official poster poser. They're based out of my old stomping grounds- Columbia, SC. Go Cocks! (That was for you, Sara. She's the self proclaimed "Principal" of Half & Half Designs & is a major fan).

I mean, come on, this needs to be mine. I'm a big fan of humorous home decor.

And last but certainly not least, we have Brooke with So She Sews! This is just a small example of what she creates. Go read her etsy profile. We all need to take notes on how to be more earth friendly with our material & packaging. Super admirable & inspiring, Brooke!

As a crafter/artist myself I know what it takes to get everything done to be a vendor at a show like this & it's a lot of hard work. I hope it was a huge success for all of you talented people.

Do yourself & this economy a favor- visit their sites & support Etsians.

Congratulations to Elizabeth & Erin for organizing such a great show!

Maybe I'll be lucky enough to participate next year.

I ain't too proud to bribe.

I'm here! I'm alive! I have so much to show you!

2010-09-14T13:41:00.000-04:00

Sup y'all! What's good?

It's been days since I last posted & that is a dirty dirty shame. There's so much to say, I just don't even know where to freaking start man!

Let's start with drugs.

See below.

No- that is not a dead zombie (wait, that's redundant) in my bed- that would be my sweet husband right after shoulder surgery- hopped up on God knows how many narcotics. We did have a small scare that night when he felt like he couldn't breathe & went to the ER to find out that the epidural he had received had paralyzed the nerve to his diaphragm- making it difficult to you know, BREATHE. No biggie. He just had to wait until it wore off. Fun!

He was saying the most ridiculous things under the influence. It was super entertaining. You know your marriage is going to make it when you're laughing like a hyena in the ER at 4 in the morning.

& because I love you, I'm going to share his UNCENSORED words with you people:

- As he was going to urinate he said, "Babe. Doc told me I can't lift anything over 10 lbs- which means you need to get in here & help me lift this thing so I can pee."

- "I feel like I'm being smothered. I feel like I'm being smothered, covered, chunked & fucked."

- "My diaphragm's paralyzed? What's that mean? I don't know shit about a diaphragm except the kind you stick in your beaver."

He reminded me of Jack Nicholson's character in Something's Gotta Give. I expected him to jump off the bed/table & run around with his small white ass hanging out the back of his gown. Unfortunately for all of us, that didn't happen.

Bless his heart.

Here's a good shot of his hairy belly for you. Aww, how sweet- he thinks I'm #1.

(Big huge thanks to Zack's sister Shana for coming over in the middle of the night to be with Ruby).

In the meantime, I was frantically trying to get ready for LAAFF.

Here's an exclusive behind the scenes shot.

It was so fun. I freakin love the freaks at LAAFF. You never know who you're going to meet, what you're going to see or witness.

my tired (but colorful) feet.

the display lookin fly as hell. Big Ass Pear to the right.

Mike the winner! He won my crotchal painting in the raffle & was really really exited about it. We hugged like 4 times.

Chelsea with a shitty Asheville postcard.

Amber was vogue-ing the entire time.

This woman in elastic waist/drawstring jorts (who deserves to be in XL pic format) was reading my stuff from afar & had the worst look of disgust on her face. Well, it was either disgust or constipation.

actin' a fool in the MtnXpress booth.

---------------this is just the beginning- there will be more updates soon, promise!-------------

the most totally rad news you've ever heard right now!

2010-09-01T15:56:00.000-04:00

Attention totally rad people of Asheville & the surrounding area!

Here's some totally rad news for your totally rad brains to absorb!

I am the newest (& only??) sponsor for Kipper's Totally Rad Pop Culture Trivia Night!

Can I get a hell yeah?

If you haven't been to Kipper's Trivia (Monday nights at Broadways) I pity your soul. I really do.

It's only like the most fun you'll ever have in your entire life.

I mean not really but kinda.

This is Kipper. He is serious about pop culture & Insane Clown Posse & he's wearing an Urkel shirt.

Listen to this, bitches. The team who wins 1st place gets CA$H money y'aaaaalllllll!

And now, starting this upcoming Monday, the 2nd place team will be the lucky recipients of their very own lemons with a pea original creatioooooon!!!!

(Picture me yelling like Oprah & grabbing both of your hands so you won't hug me. She SO does that!)

All the rest of you losers get the shit that Kipper can wrangle up- like a badass light up rubber dinosaur or a delicious can of Mountain Holler or a very attractive Yuengling scarf.

So, that's totally rad & I thought you should know about it which I why I BLOGGED.

I actually have been compiling a whole post solely based on Kipper's trivia & will be revealing it whenever the hell I feel like it, ok?

Alright, I love you. Have a great Wednesday. I'm a little delirious from staying up all night at the ER with Zack- which is a long story but don't you worry- he is fine & it is also another post that I am compiling for your enjoyment.

He has been saying & doing the most ridiculous things under the influence of percocet- which is "highly" entertaining.

Oh, hold up! He's calling me right now. He went to ~~stumble~~ walk around the neighborhood for some fresh air & has ended up at Kipper's parent's house around the corner.

They're watching the new episode of Weeds together.

Of course.

never a dull moment.

2010-08-30T14:10:00.000-04:00

Ladies & gentlemen! How the hell are ya? Good I hope!

I've been preoccupied with all sorts of nonsense over here.

You know... painting, parenting, cavorting, dreaming, dancing, boinking & obnoxiously tweeting about shallow shit.

A little bit of this & a little bit of that all adds up to a full life.

I've been gearing up for LAAFF (Lexington Avenue Arts & Fun Festival) which is next Sunday the 5th!

It is by far my favorite street celebration in Asheville where the freaks don't wait til night to come out- they're lettin' their flag fly, baby. I'm talkin people on stilts & crazy ass costumes- hella good bands & freakin delicious food- local handmade goods from local awesome artisans.

You don't want to miss it.

I'll be sharing a booth with the amazing Amber Hatchett & her gorgeous Vintage Vanity jewelry.

Zack built me a new shelf thingy to display my blocks of awesome on & I'm excited about using it. I think it'll be a superior addition.

By the way, I just checked the weather & the high is only supposed to be 77- which makes me want to do the happy dance so hard.

Here's a selection of what I've been working on!

imperative.

"Mustaches are the new owl."

(overheard at The Big Crafty by Jodi or Franzi. Can't remember which one).

word.

these were took with photobooth hence the crappy pic.

& more of these. The balloon is painted paper.

wee manties! always a fave.

This one is actually a special order that my online friend Lori (yes, I have online friends, shut up) had made for her friend with breast cancer. (hi Lori!) Unfortunately, I know way too many friends who need one of these. Stupid freaking cancer.

I'm sensing a theme here. Apparently I find body parts & bodily functions amusing.

case in point ^

boobs. gotta love em.

In other news, Ruby is still cute!

She's been exhibiting signs of her mother. Lord help her.

She's been farting with abandon, over accessorizing, eating with her hands, wanting a cookie every g-dang minute, laughing at herself entirely too much, coloring on every conceivable surface, taking her diaper off & peeing in her bed, talking nonsense to anyone who will listen, saying no to everything, obsessing over bubbles & Elmo & having regular bowel movements. She'll be 2 in like a month! Ahhhhh!

In other less exciting but as equally nauseating news, my adorable sweetheart husband Zack is having surgery tomorrow.
I know. Not fun. He hurt his shoulder at work 6 months ago & went through a series of physical therapy & cortisone shots which didn't help so now they're going in orthoscopically to fix it. Just the thought of it is making me want to run & hide. He told me today that basically they're going to shave his collarbone down. I mean WTF?! I guess that explains why they gave him all those horse pill pain killers. We were thinking about all the things that he won't be able to do with only 1 arm.
I'm really hoping he'll figure out how to wipe his own ass.
Recovery time is at least 2 weeks.

Never a dull moment 'round these parts, y'all.
xoxo!

colorful

2010-08-24T14:19:00.000-04:00

First, let me say- it's not easy to blog with a toddler hanging from your neck like a monkey attempting to bang on your boobies like bongo drums.

I had yet another fantastically eye opening Asheville evening this past Saturday. I went to Haywood Lounge for Drinks & Dialogue- the brainchild of local social media man Timmy Smith. His goal with this movement is to get together with people from all walks of life, have a couple drinks, promote diversity & talk about why Asheville is so segregated. Here I am, talking about how "majorly diverse" this city is when in reality, the majority of us stick to our comfort zones around town. Without a doubt, it is a complicated & heavy topic with lots of thoughts & opinions. I was definitely intrigued to see who would show up & what would be said. There was a lot to hear & process. Which is why I sat back & simply listened for the most part.

The renowned Gary Charles of G Social Media & AskAsheville was there with his Flip (of course) & recorded a large portion of the discussions. You can watch all of them here on Timmy's blog. It's worth a watch & read for sure.

What I heard & saw & experienced that night reinforced my desire to know people as they are & not listen to the preconceived societal stereotypes I grew up around. Not that racism was blatant in Irmo, SC- it was more unspoken than anything. And that's the problem right there.

I guess the eternal optimist in me wants to believe that times are a changin' & not all people are that ignorant & close minded to believe that their race is superior than others. I for one, love people. I LOVE meeting new people & getting to know how they tick & what they're in to & how they live their lives. I love connecting & relating & discovering their passions. I love encouraging others to fully be themselves & to aspire to live their best life. (Thank you mama Oprah). It in turn, lights a fire within me to do the same- to embody my balls to the wall motto- to face challenge & opposition & stand up for something I believe in.

Absolute equality. Life, liberty and the friggin pursuit of happiness y'all. Can I get an Amen?

So I applaud you, Timmy for being brave enough to put this on the table so we can all evolve. You are being the change you want to see in the world. The ripple effect is continuing & it is more powerful than we can see.

I can't tell you just how big my heart swelled as I was driving home. Not only did we listen to one another, a bunch of us went out afterwards & just hung out at Desoto (where I had the most delish "Mutha Effin Sangria"). At one point I was laughing about nipple hair with one girl & dirty underwear on the floor with another. We were just people being people. It was refreshing & fun as hail.

(Just LOOK at all those beautiful people. Too bad I appear to be wearing a friggin flowery tent).

Thanks Liz & Kandy for driving me back to my car & for reminding me of this oldie but goodie:

To read more about Drinks & Dialogue or get involved, follow Timmy @SocialLifeAvl & the hashtag #avldialog or #avldialogue on twitter. And if you don't tweet, go to the YWCA & see how you can connect or go to the Building Bridges of Asheville fb page.

Or just simply say, "hey how you" to everyone you see.

Change starts with you & me.

We did not lick Santino's nipples.

2010-08-21T01:11:00.001-04:00

I got to experience Asheville once again in a new light last night. After living here for almost 10 years, you would think that I'd done it all. Nope. Not in the least. It's another reason why I love this town.

It's evolving. It's majorly diverse.

It's full of amazing, eccentric souls who want to hug you & be your BFF.

I love it.

We (the young, vibrant & soulful artist Katie Daisy) & I started out at the Local Social/Asheville Grown meet up downtown where we mingled & noshed in one of my favorite little hidden courtyards. The cool air rustled through the trees & up our skirts.

It's good for me to get out of the house & get all breezey & shit.

Buy local. Eff the man.

Anne Fitten Glenn. She is a mama. She is edgy. She also has "brewgasms".

new fun friends Arthur Stubbs, Katie Daisy & Peter Parpan.

Look! It's Kip! Event organizer extraordinaire & Hip Replacements owner. Sad I didn't catch a shot of his pretty cohort in crime, Franzi.

Next we hit up The Vault for a couple drinkypoos & Arthur & I bonded over lip syncing to an Aaliyah song. Made me want to go rawk some karaoke.

We left there & ran into a fancy camera crew on the street. I totally knew that they had to be the team from the show "On The Road." It stars Project Runway alums Austin Scarlett & Santino Rice. There had been sightings of the 2 around town. Sure enough, we looked through the windows at Adorn Salon & there was tall ass Santino himself- sporting a moose hat. So we waited for him to come out & he was super gracious as we ~~humped his leg & kissed his nipples~~ hugged him & smiled for pictures.

Looks like Arthur & our man Santino are doing the Kid N Play, doesn't it?

Do you see how cool we are?

(Psssst, someone remind me to figure out how to shrink my arms with magic).

it's a good thing I bring my camera every freakin where, right?

(Thanks "On The Road" staff person who volunteered to take these shots! You were so nice!)

He asked us if we had watched his show & I hadn't yet (but I did watch all 3 episodes of dress makeovers this morning while playing on the floor with Ruby). It's a great show. Both of them are colorful characters which makes for an entertaining display of quirky outfits & hilarious ball-related one liners. I particularly enjoyed the segment where Santino literally took a taxidermed racoon head off the wall & talked to it. The show really highlights the city where they visit so I'm interested to see how they portray Asheville.

To celebrate our celebrity run-in we went to The Chocolate Lounge but the line was out the dang door. So we went to 5 Walnut Wine Wine Bar & enjoyed a bottle of sparkling stuff which resulted in an impromptu photo shoot of each other.

"I just wanna be real with somebody, you know- to lay around & feel comfortable enough to scratch my inna thigh." *totally paraphrased that

After we finished the bottle & had thoroughly covered topics like sex & co-dependent relationships & the taste of breast milk, we decided to go dancing. At Scandal's. What what.

This is my famous "hold up, I think I smell my own sweaty butt" move.

(P.S. you like my new dress? $16.99 at TJMaxx y'all! & it has pockets. Boom).

taking a break from all the rigorous gyrations.

They both danced so gracefully like they had just gotten stung by wasps.

It twas fun & pretty much scandalous.

I ended up having to take Katie home. (All the bubbles had gone to her pretty little head). So I had the privilege of seeing her beautiful cozy little mountain retreat tucked away down a dirt road. A deer ran across our path in the driveway if that tells you anything. I loved seeing her studio/work space where she creates masterpieces like this:

seriously, go look at her stuff. It's beautiful. Look for her very own Katie Daisy line in Hallmark stores all over the place soon! Can you say awesome?

Well I can. And I will. Especially about this incrediballs Asheville summer night.

new designs for your butt

2010-08-12T10:22:00.001-04:00

Look y'all! New designs!

a big huge butt thanks to Shelley who gave me the idea.

(by the way, Shell- I love Jew with all of my butt).

& this one was inspired by a dear, darling friend who told me how her body reacts when she is around (or just talks to) the dude she is totally in love with.

I can relate. I got the runs right after Zack asked me to marry him at The Corner Kitchen.

It was very romantic.

Especially when I sharted later on that night.

Know someone who would LOVE to receive one of these little slices of happiness?

Go to my etsy shop & make their day.

Have a great Thursday!

xoxo

show yo love!

2010-08-10T15:04:00.003-04:00

These are words people have Googled & have consequently found this blog:

baby sugar canary porno
old balls
yoohoo pee a lot
i'm not gay
I put my balls on the wall
hang out with Steve
wine boobs
avatar porn
antiques roadshow Tobias Funke
das how I knew it's TJ's baby
ass tat
did you catch the bieber fever
don't hate participate
scrunchie
zack farts

Some are actually a lot more disturbing but I refuse to type them cause it would probably make your brain reject the input & implode on contact. And that would be super messy. It would also probably ruin your day.

And just because I love you, here's my latest face in hole.

Read a book, read a book, read a mo-effin book. Not a sports page or a magazine...

2010-08-05T21:59:00.000-04:00

Do you need some cute for your eyes?

Peep this.

I'll be impressed if you made it through the entire thing & you're not related to her.

Although toddler gibberish is quite entertaining.

I'm pretty sure she said "this book about ducks is stupid as hell" at some point.

Please notice her wet hair, laundry strewn across her bed & the slightest glimpse of a half naked Zack.

P.S. If you didn't "get" the post title, watch this. BEWARE IT IS NOT TAME & NOT AT ALL G-RATED.

Captain Obvious & the Jackson 5 (title brought to you by @alotofnothing)

2010-08-01T17:30:00.000-04:00

Hello! How are ya? Oh really? ANOTHER 'roid flare up? Hmm. Yea, you should probably see a butthole doctor about that.

Enough about your anus, let's talk about mine! Just kidding!

I've been busy preparing for next weekend's Craftacular at Wink. Sounds exciting right? Well, it is. And if you don't come see me (on my birthday) & buy all my wares I will most likely get super depressed & drink myself into oblivion & eat a whole box of Star Crunch & then send you the bill for yet another therapy session. Or not. Whatever. I'm not one to make a big deal out of my birthday. I mean, I definitely like to celebrate but I don't have any huge expectations AND I'm still recovering from last year's throw down. (p.s. I talk about getting drunk WAY more than I actually drink).

In my "spare" time I've been face in holing. This is my latest creation.

And per request, here is Kim's face in a midget's hole.

this one is chock full of all kinds of wtf. I love it. Especially the stark contrast of short pudgy legs to long scrawny legs. Super attractive, don't you think? Also, is she holding a lobster?

Here's something else to bless your soul.

I was just waiting for her to raise the roof & say "you go girl."

thanks Dr.Awesome for the terrible-ness.

I'm working on a couple commissioned pieces that I'm sure you're gonna love. So, get excited about THAT & stuff.

Texas is stupid.

2010-07-29T15:11:00.001-04:00

I made this for my dear sweet friend Caroline who is moving back to Texas tomorrow.

it's a line from this Ryan Adams' song

Here's to the McGlades & their adventures!

May you be reminded of your precious mountain memories & all the people who love you here.

Now is the point where I'm going to post a picture of them that makes me laugh really hard so I won't cry again.

I will miss these ridiculous faces.

(thanks for the picture Alaina)

happy happenings.

2010-07-28T16:07:00.002-04:00

Well hello people who are reading this! It's good to see you. What a nice pair of slacks you're wearing!

Wanna see some of my new card designs?

What? You do?

Well you have come to the right place my friend.

This is where you get the good stuff.

Here ya go:

Am I right or am I right? I mean unless you favor the other genital but there's only so much you can rhyme with vagina. (thanks go to Rebecca A.'s friend who gave me the idea).

here's another:

the inside says:

These two were enthusiastically picked up by Wink Hair Salon & Boutique along with some Asheville postcards & a select few block of awesome paintings! I had the pleasure of meeting Sarah & Gilda whose open mouthed, head thrown back laughter was totally validating. I'm pumped about being a part of their stellar boutique. I swear to you, I want everything in there. They have the cutest stuff around.

Speaking of, they are having a courtyard Craftacular featuring a handful of their local designers & crafters along with food & drinks & a DJ. Including my homey Katlin- who is the mastermind behind the mega cute Foxie Moxie Jewels. ALSO- guess who is a last minute addition? That'd be yours truly! Yay! It's on August 7th which happens to be the same day as the Biltmore Village Arts Fair which is held right across the street AND it's also my freaking birthday, y'all! So basically we're gonna party.

You should totally come. And while you're there, you can buy me presents! or not.

Bonus: I may or may not try to spike the punch.

FYI- I'll be the ripe age of 32 so if you're planning on delivering birthday spankings, you better get your hands ready cause this ass is hard. No joke. Feel free to smack it. I welcome it. It's like the 8th wonder of the world or something.

I've been really proud of my work recently. It just feels more me, you know. I'm really loving it & am challenging myself more. Typically when I dare to take on a project that makes me nervous, I tackle it head on & end up in love with the results So, that's encouraging. It feels good & I'm dreaming big.

I recently talked to my 84? year old grandmother Polly on the phone about my cards. I told her they were naughty & she said, "Well I've been alive for a long time now I think I can handle it." So I told her about the Asheville postcards & she laughed. Then she said while still laughing, "Well what about the other ones? Do they say shit too? What the hell do they say?" She's loosened up a little since watching old "Sex & The City" reruns on TBS.

In other less off-color news:

Ruby is getting too big for her britches y'all. It's crazy. My new favorite word of hers is flower which she pronounces it "flaaa!" It's just too cute. She is also enjoying running around the house naked & using bowls as hats. See:

pretty sure she pissed on the floor right after this pic. Wasn't that so sweet of her?

I love my wee family. I feel like I am constantly kissing them. It's my favorite thing to do.

So I'm going to go do more of that.

xo!

we the type of people make the club get crunk

2010-07-21T01:18:00.001-04:00

There are times in my life where I look around & think to myself,"what the eff am I doing?"
This was one of those times.
There's a lot I could say about this night cause there was definitely a ton of amusing shit going on but here's the gist.
Our beloved Anne was moving to Mexico so we boarded the LaZoom tour bus (it's kinda like an Asheville tour on acid) for an Anne-style send off. We drove around town drinking, hanging out the windows yelling at people, & attempting to sing karaoke dressed like cavemen.
Sounds freaking awesome, right? Well, it twas.

Here's Anne in her primal get up.

Here's Robin K. doing God knows what to a statue at Wedge. See that phat pink leopard leotard she's wearing? She has chosen to wear it everyday for the month of July. Extremely admirable.

Here's the bus & it's riotous owner/comedienne extraordinaire Jen.

Tricky Nikki & moi! Ok, so I had to do some serious improvising to even remotely resemble a cavewoman. Which is why I wore a brown fitted bed sheet tied up with Zack's leather boot laces. I looked real stupid.

My "friends" thought it would be cool to put their empty beer cans in the back of my "dress pocket."
The rest I will show you in video form.
Beware- there is partial ass showing & white people dancing like...well... white people.

We love you Anne! We'll see you on the flip side (& on like, facebook n shit). xoxo!

drugs not hugs.

2010-07-19T09:50:00.000-04:00

aww! Would y'all just look at this precious customer appreciation photo that Sarah Becker took?

It gives me the warm fuzzies all over.

Especially the places that are already fuzzy.

Like my nipples.

just kidding!

Stuff happened at that place with people & those things!

2010-07-18T11:24:00.002-04:00

Well hey there! Long time no type!

It's not you, it's me. I've been super overwhelmed with stuff. And by stuff I mean crying over

"Bethenny Getting Married?" & wrangling a toddler who can now open the dang refrigerator all by herself. She goes straight for the whipped cream which worries me because I may have inadvertently given her a whippit by attempting to squirt it in her mouth* & all that came out were the fumes stuff. Now I'm scared she's addicted.

(*this only happened once. Ok, twice).

Anyways- what I mean to say is, I've been busy.

The Big Crafty was amazeballs.

I was really happy with my work to begin with. I hit a stride & would wake up in the middle of the night, sit straight up & laugh way too hard at my own thoughts. Zack would be all "wtf?" & I'd be like, "Vive la deez nuts!" And he'd be like, "bahahahaha! That's funny now shut up."

So here you go, I'm sorry if you've seen these pictures a bajillion times already.

Ta da! The fruit of my labor. Can you tell how excited I am to be there?

Here's my trusty "store manager" Emily who I swear was totally pumped to be there too. Even more enthused to be photographed behind the big ass pear. Can't you tell? This is the look of sheer exhilaration.

The big hit of the day were the Asheville postcards. I'm telling you, we were the ones having the most fun watching people's reactions.

this one got a lot of attention too.

Glenda totally made my day by laughing at it. How cute is she?

This particular painting went home with it's rightful owner, Sonia who is the physical manifestation of it.

& here's my new friend Anthony who took this fly ass mixed tape home with him. His favorite song? Girlfriend In a Coma

& here's my most presh customer of the day. Jackson with his manties. His mom Katlin was hoping it would inspire him to put his peepee & doodoo in the potty. We're pulling for you, Jackson! You can do it!

This is my neighbor, the ineffable artist Gabriel Shaffer with his Vive la Deez Nuts purchase. He clearly knows appropriate product placement.

I loved meeting everyone & finding "my people." There are a bunch of other pics to see here on Flickr that you should point & laugh at.

There were sooo many incredible vendors there. I was pretty happy to be a part of all that awesomeness.

In other great news, my postcards, naughty greeting cards & some paintings are now in stores!

Dolce Vita on Wall St & Write On on Lexington. Fun, right? I've got my eyes on a couple more shops around town. I'm totally sweeping the nation! Ok not really. at all.

Overall the show was a mega-hit & I'm riding the momentum wave- making & creating more & more.

A big fat thanks to all of you who came to see me & bought cards about dry humping.

xoxo!

begin.

2010-07-07T13:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I have stories to tell but don't have the time to type out all the awesomeness.

I will give you some clues:

Patron, Port-a-Potties, Cavemen singing karaoke on a bus & pink leopard crotch shots.

(You know who you are).

I do have pictures AND video.

Get excited.

but for now here's another wee creation for you to see.

Is there one of us that this doesn't speak to?

This is the kind of image that I need to see in front of my face every day for the simple reminder.

More now than ever, I have come into the realization that we are all constantly reinventing ourselves. Constantly moving towards new horizons, new opportunities, new perspectives, new loves.

Sometimes a leap seems insurmountable due to the sheer weight of the perceived obstacles before us.

I have found that all it takes is a step. And then another. And then another.

Move towards what you love & eventually you will find your place that has been there all along.

This is your flow of life. This is your process.

Embrace it & begin it.

(this is encouragement for me as much as I want it to be for you).

sneak peek

2010-07-06T14:18:00.000-04:00

Here's a small preview of just some of the local amazeballs stuff you'll find at The Big Crafty this Sunday.

(5"x5" on salvaged wood)

I just finished this piece of humorous home decor. I'm in love with it. Hopefully it will find it's home where it will provide unending amusement to it's owner.

Ok, how gorgeous is this necklace from The Vintage Vanity? Amber even has necklaces made out of antique pocket knives & compacts & shit. THEY ARE SO COOL.

I adore these monster booty pants from Crankypants. And the matching shirt is too much adorableness. Amy Kett continues to outdo herself.

I saw this at December's Big Crafty & had to have it. Mine says "You & Me" but Liz can make you a personalized one with your names on it. Made with love by Asheville's own Cozy Blue.

Here's the amazing Celia Gray & (her pup June) modeling one of her super cool belt buckles from her Buncombe Buckles line. Celia also has her newest encaustic painting collection up at Blue Spiral. Not only is she multi-talented, she's married to Brian McGee- the lead dude of Zack's band. Speaking of, they just recorded a new album called

"The Taking or The Leaving" & will make it's mega debut this Fall.

& these little pieces of beautiful shot glass heaven are from my homey Elise Ramsey. See more of her colorful creations at In The Light.

There you have it. Just a few pictures to whet your appetite.

I think that after it's all over, we should all go streaking through Splasheville. Who's in?

You're welcome, Asheville.

2010-07-02T11:43:00.003-04:00

I've done it again y'all.

Without further ado, I bring you...

FACE IN HOLE ASHEVILLE EDITION!

(please note that these people didn't need help being eccentric and/or awesome).

Ursula Gullow!

(anybody know WTH this thing is?)

Anne Gority!

Wendy Lou! (If she could really do this, I'm sure she would show you).

Jason Holland!

Timmy Smith the Bananinja!

the patriotic Brian McGee!

Kipper Schauer!

the beer wenches Julie Atallah, Jason Atallah, Julie, Julie, & Anne Fitten Glenn!

& last but certainly not least. The super friendly Jonathan Ammons!

(I'm resisting the strong urge to make raunchy feline jokes).

If you guys don't use these for your profile pics, I'm going to defriend & unfollow ALL OF YOU.

(maybe).