they were almost mine

at least I'm not bored

I almost lost my shit last week. 

Zack came home from work & I promptly left. 

And then I drove. And drove. And drove. 

My thoughts, my wheels, my hormones were a-spinnin'. 

And I kept driving. Zoned out yet feeling like someone had me by the back of the neck, ready to drop kick me. 

And there was silence. Just the hum of the road. And I sat in it for a long time. 

I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to scream but I didn't have the energy. 

So, I opened my mouth & let out a long, moan-y, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." 

God, it felt good. 

Like when Zach Braff & Natalie Portman & that other grave digger dude stood at the top of a bulldozer & bellowed from their guts into the infinite abyss. 

I've been so overwhelmed. I can't keep up with anything. My inbox. My 3 year old. My commitments. My friendships. My work. My bullshit. And then I feel guilty about ALL OF IT. 

And then I freeze. 

At least I recognize my cycle of tendencies. That much is good. It's the first step. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep going. To breathe. And to take the next step. 

I celebrate those steps. Sometimes I raise my hands in victory over them. Even if it's washing one spoon. Answering one email. Typing one word. 

It's not like I'm unhappy though. I'm not. It's just stressful to live life on a roller coaster of emotions. 

People ask me how I'm doing & I say, "crazy." There is some crazy awesome shit happening in my life & there is also some crazy heart wrenching shit going on. 

It's hard but it's good. 

And I will gladly take brokenness & beauty over apathy any damn day. 

let's kick it

Hi you! It's me!

To ease my way back into blogging, I'm just going to post something stupid.

That's what I usually do in awkward situations. I lighten the mood & change the subject by making fart noises or by humping someone's leg.

So, in hopes to kick shit back into gear, here's a photo of my face in a drunk squirrel's hole.

You like that? ME TOO. Here are other face in holes that I've made to amuse myself.

i love you more than the internet

Hold onto your panties & junk, Asheville! Here come the bloggers! And the tweeters! And the candlestick makers! Ok, not real sure about that last one. But it's probably true. 

I'm very much looking forward to this year's TypeAParent Conference which starts this week. Mostly because I saw that there is a stress ball, shaped like a lemon, in the swag bags. I cannot WAIT to squeeze the shit out of that thing. 

Speaking of swag, here's my contribution to the pile o' loot that all the attendeez will be receiving. 

I thought it was super appropriate considering the wireless, web loving posse that will be there even though it's a postcard that one has to actually address, buy a stamp, use the stamp & walk outside to put in their mailbox. I know it's hard but you can show people you really care by sending them some hand written snail mail, y'all. 

I also made personalized notecards for all the speakers & mentors but I didn't stop to take a picture of those because I was too busy making them & packaging them & shielding them from Ruby & her gross little peanut buttery fingers. That's usually how I work... guarding my paint & protecting my clean paper from stray boogers. I'm always on the defense. That kid can eff some serious shit UP if you're not careful. 

I did manage to snap a crappy photo of the business cards I whipped up last night. 

I needed new ones since I ran out of my Tiny Prints cards. I also wanted a good, solid logo. I think I really like the looks of these. Or some form of this. 

You may be wondering why the little pink heart is upside down. That's because I wanted it to resemble  a pair of balls. It just feels right. All heart & balls. 

I hope I see you there! And I hope we get a chance to meet or talk or exchange cards or french or drunk dial each other. Make sure you get your butt down to the Mom Market on Saturday morning. I'll be there with mind blowing stuff for you to take home. I accept PayPal! 

Oh! If you haven't read Aiming Low recently, here is a link to my most recent posts. 

There is an ode to Asheville where I talk about going to my first blogging conference ever. There's a post that includes long mermaid nipples & another one with angel balls as well as an enthusiastic review of the shart-inducing movie "Bridesmaids." 

These are literary "masterpieces," you guys. I'm pretty sure I'm going to win one of those Nobel peace thingys soon. 

Well, either that or a Grammy. Anyone can score one of those these days, right? Two words: Rascal Flatts. 

Beautiful. Like Bruce.

No one has ever said to me, "Oh Robin, you look like (insert fantastic celebrity face here)!" 

Well, Ursula said that I looked like Stephanie Tanner? 

And then Jennifer informed me that I look like Vicki's daughter on the Real Housewives of Orange County? 

But neither of those struck a chord in my soul. 

It has been revealed to me (through the mirror & this awkward iPhone photo & probably Jesus) that Bruce Vilanch & I were separated at birth.

There's no denying it. The resemblance is staggering. 

Now I just need to work on my sheer awesomeness & my eyeglass collection & my moobs & we'll be full on twinsies. 

I couldn't be more proud of my British/German genes. 

Hi! 

Dudes, how are ya? 

I know, I kinda disappeared. 

Sometimes you gotta do that. 

I don't have a lot to say. Well, scratch that. I have A LOT to say. 

I'm just keeping it to myself right now instead of displaying it. 

Sometimes your heart needs that. 

This morning I sat down to paint without an agenda & this is what came out. 

And then I listened to this.



And then I simplified my blog while my child napped.

And then I showed you.

And then I felt better.

big love & big hugs

Is there anything more precious than watching your 2 year old run around in the sunshine? 

I love her narrative as she discovers the life around her.

"Wook, Mommy! A Bird! Wook, Mommy! A Twee!"

Then she'll spin around & around & say, "I'm cwazy! I'm cwazy!" 

All of a sudden, she has sprouted long arms & long legs. She got those from her father. 

I don't get the cuddly, snuggly baby hugs anymore. 

I get long limbed monkey hugs. 

I'll take em in any form.

Especially in the morning when I fetch her from her crib & she lays her head on my shoulder & says, "Oh, so nice... so cute."

It makes the 48+ hours of labor all worth it.

I think I'll keep her. Strawberry stains & all. 

....................

You know the Big Love Fest is this weekend, right?!! 

One would think it was a crazy, hippie orgy in Asheville but it ain't. (Maybe later?)

It's a compilation of local artists & crafters & beer & food located in the heart of downtown. 

I'll be there in a booth with some brand new original posters & Mother's Day cards & all sorts of ridiculous shit that I come up with. 

I also wanted to do something different & fun & interactive so I am going to set up an easel for large, intuitive, colorful, sketchy caricatures of you. I will be paying attention to your mannerisms & your clothing & what comes out of your mouth. I'm really excited about it. So, come on by so I can paint you! (a 14"x17" original is only twenty bucks! Nudes will be five bucks because I figure you should be paying me to see your exquisite body. Spots will be limited). 

Big love & thanks go out to Franzi, Kip, Justin & Brandy & everyone else who have a hand in making this happen! 

If you live in Asheville & you don't come, we can't be friends anymore. Just kidding! (Sort of). 

I have taken another lover. I call her New Orleans. She likes it when you talk dirty.

Y'all. I fell in love. I fell in love so hard.

New Orleans wooed me & wowed me & left me begging for more.

Every flower box on every wrought iron balcony, every whiff of shrimp & desperation, every puddle of questionable liquid, every broken & beautiful face I saw... made me feel like a kid at a candy store. Wide eyed & wanting to devour it all. (Not literally. That would be unsanitary & require a lot of intense detox).

I could get lost in that city. In the stories, the history, the character & unabashed liveliness.

It reminded me of all the good things about Asheville. (Hugs to you Asheville people out there).

I feel super fortunate to have had the opportunity to go to Mom 2.0 Summit. And extra specially fortunate to have gone with Anissa. You know, my boss who has graciously gone through a bunch of shitty stuff & has literally lived to tell her story with candor, humor & one working hand? I'm more than thankful that I got to be her "pusher." Lord knows she pushes me right back in a different but equally helpful way.

Here is just some of the awesome shit that happened:

• The conference was at the Ritz Carlton. It was a rare, luxurious treat for me. The beds were plush. The flowers were fresh. The round-the-clock cookie bar was a dream. The champagne was free flowing. And the staff was beyond wonderful (especially Johnnie, Quentin, Heidi, Anne, Janis, Russell, Gary, Cody & Lehi). The building itself though is rather ill-equipped for the disabled. It was truly sucky. It was like one frustrating obstacle course after another for Anissa's wheelchair. Even on the illustrious Club Level, the portable shower stool that was provided managed to collapse underneath her. Fortunately, she wasn't alone & she didn't break her ass. I have a lot to say about that which is why I'll save it for another time. 
• I got to hang out with & get to know more of my fellow Aiming Low homeys. Just as I imagined, they are as big hearted & hilarious & good looking in real life as they are behind the glowing screen. I've got mad love for this motley crew. We've got a good thing going. It's fun as hell to be a part of. 
• I also met a handful of women that I have been admiring on the internets. You know, the women whose blogs I actually avoid reading altogether because one click & I am virtually sucked into their colossal magnetism. They receive a lot of attention & in my opinion, are well deserving of it. I had the pleasure of talking about naked butts & how the city was haunted & turning down offers from big wigs at major TV networks & how being a mom is hard as shit. I even had an embarrassingly teary moment with one after looking her in the eyes & genuinely thanking her for hanging her balls out there. These women pour their hearts into their work. These women aren't afraid to be themselves. These women make my gutter brain seem normal. These women give me hope. 
• Thanks to Sandi, I had a hurricane at Pat O'Brien's. Did you know one of those things has 4 shots of rum in it? I sucked half of it down & quickly found myself texting people incoherently in the bathroom. I also had the quintessential Bourbon Street experience. I can see the huge draw it has. Booze & boobies are attractive to lots of people. Especially those who want to fully escape from the drain of their everyday lives. Part of me wanted to jump in & join em. And the other, more sober part of me wanted to go around & hug people. It was overstimulating & eye opening & fucking depressing. 
• While I was still a little shell shocked & walking down the street, I told a stripper standing in a doorway that I liked her butt. 
• I got a massage at the Ritz Spa. It was heavenly, of course. It probably would've been even more relaxing if I had shut my mouth. But my masseuse was fascinating & after I asked, told me stories of all the celebrities he's rubbed on. He told me the story of how a particular star awkwardly stared at him the entire time. It was either John Travolta, Robin Williams, Tina Fey or Suge Knight. I can't tell you which one. My body & I need to send a big, HUGE thanks to Body Logic MD for the gift card. 
• I learned shit! My favorite session was the one led by Alice Bradley & Eden Kennedy. They made writing for a living seem attainable & not so g-dang scary. They said the kind of things that switched light bulbs on for me. Their words need to be painted & framed & hung over my desk so I'm reminded everyday to keep going & keep practicing & keep creating. Right next to: remember that not everybody is going to like you & that's okay! That one in particular was screaming at me. 
• But my favorite moment had to be when I ran off to see another side of the city. I jumped in a cab to surprise an old friend who was playing her guitar & singing her sweet songs at the Three Muses down on Frenchmen Street. It was the kind of encounter that felt like a movie complete with a night time, impromptu stroll & a sprig of Nawlins' night blooming jasmine tucked behind my ear. Sarah Quintana is the perfect mixture of laissez faire & bon temps. 

photo courtesy of Norbert Sushemil the trumpet player

This woman, who was a girl when we first met, is pure talent, soul & heart. I look at her & recognize how lucky I am to even know her. There is so much to say about Sarah & that whole night. Instead, I will pause & give you this:

And these: (I recommend playing them simultaneously. Listen above & watch below).

"Nawlins"

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All of these seemingly serendipitous experiences & intertwining relationships & shared words & budding ideas & profound fortunate moments & profound unfortunate moments (not a good time for an inaugural hemorrhoid flare up) have all taught me some invaluable shit, y'all. It is molding me further & helping me solidify the things I know to be true. My intentions, the things that motivate me to my core are rooted in who I want to be & who I am becoming... someone who remains honest & brave & ridiculous & free & selfless & stupidly thankful. Someone who is aware of the presence of a loving God. 

Another cool thing? While I was away, Zack taught Ruby how to say "WOOOHA" like Busta Rhymes. And he also made nunchucks out of a broken lamp.

We put the easy in The Big Easy

I drove to Atlanta last night for the first leg of our jaunt to New Orleans.

This small-ish town girl is not used to super speedy Atlanta traffic. There was a line of 18 wheelers blocking the signs & people zipping past me. And I was doing 70, mind you.

I just kept telling myself, "THIS IS AN ADVENTURE! I AM HAVING FUN! I AM LEARNING!"

And then I was all like, "WTF IS A HOV LANE?!"

And "Dammit, that gigantic Coca Cola sign is burning my eyeballs out of my face!"

And "Oooo. There's a fancy Range Rover with all black everythang! I wonder if that's Jay-Z!"

And "I need a cigarette to stay awake & alert so I don't accidentally crash into Ikea!"

And then "SHIT! If I throw the butt out the window, that's considered littering & those signs say it's a $1200 fine!"

Which lead to extinguishing the butt in the surplus of mayo from the McChicken I didn't finish earlier.

I arrived at Anissa's & discovered she had turned into a glo worm. A very sunburnt, pink glo worm. She threatened to punch me in the vadge if I hugged her so I just honked her nipple.

I woke up this morning around 7 am to her daughter, Rachael's smiling face. Which quickly turned into her poking me in the tummy & telling me that I had a squishy body.

And then Peyton came in the room, jumped on me, snuggled for awhile & started with the whole, "Stop hitting yourself" gig. Which naturally lead to her asking me "When does the world end?"

Nathaniel just walked in the room & all he said was "I blame you."

Oh, the joys of the Mayhew household.

So, we're off! I'll be live tweeting Mom 2.0 & all of Anissa's bowel movements.

This is quality internet, y'all.

XOXO